Do you remember the first time I even recognized your presence as a new Mom? I remember it like it was yesterday. The triplets were just weeks old. They cried all the time. It was before we knew they had GERD and the sleep deprivation was ruining me. It was the middle of the night and our boys wouldn’t stop crying. Do you remember yet? Everything I knew to do to as a Mother to help them wasn’t working. I could feel the panic rising in my body. I was sweaty everywhere! I cried so hard weeping with my babies, “I don’t know how to help you.” And I didn’t. I was tired and frustrated.
That was the beginning of our journey together. Although I know you likely snuck your way in before that moment, that was the first time I saw how cruel you really can be. There was also the first time I had the babies alone after my husband went back to work. Do you remember that day? It was one of my worst days. You used the fear of trying to parent my newborn babies alone to destroy every particle of confidence in my being. I remember calling my sister on the phone sobbing with my daughter in my arms because I was so overwhelmed with three crying babies that all needed me. You used those moments to shower my heart in guilt and shame. You fed me lies about who I was as mom, and I believed you. You used that time as an opportunity to breathe lies and fears into my heart. You stole my confidence and joy. I was afraid to take my newborns anywhere. You crippled me. I felt house bound and lonely. And I know that was exactly what you wanted. You were the culprit to my ongoing panic attacks. I was in a depression and walking through a very isolated postpartum season. It was hard, but I got help. I made a choice to change.
It’s been almost 3 years since you entered my life and I still have to face you daily. But you have never won. Lately, you have made your presence especially known in my being. You used your sneaky ways to breathe lies into my heart after I almost lost my daughter to drowning a few weeks back. I am still reliving the moments, I know you know that. You have used the fear from such a terrifying moment to cause me to question who I am as a Mom. You have told me I am weak because I need therapy and am struggling with panic attacks again. I know you are using the trauma from the accident to continually bring fear and panic over me. I see you. I see what you are doing and the power you think you have over me.