I never even knew I could get so angry until I had babies. I am embarrassed to even admit it, but it is true. The mean mommy in me, my angry side, is one of the reasons why I found myself in counseling last summer. I had to do something to help me control my anxiety so it wouldn’t hit the point of anger. It was a side of me I felt only the triplets were having to bare and it made me feel awful. My anxiety tends to fuel (for lots of reasons) but especially when all 3 of my kids decide to throw a tantrum at exactly the same time. No one is patient and everyone is screaming, crying, kicking-you name it. I feel like I have no control over the situation. In those moments my body would heat up and before I Knew it, I would be screaming too, which results in nothing and tends to make things worse.
There were times where I felt so lost in Motherhood that I would throw my own tantrum wondering how God could even entrust me with my kids. There was no grace for those moments, just shame. I hated who I was. Who knew I could get so angry? I certainly did not. It is those moments that I am not proud of and it is also because of them I knew I had to get help. I had to learn how to respond to my kids midst tantrum in a teachable and loving way, rather than just yelling.
Along with getting on medication for my anxiety, I saw a therapist to help me work through this. It is not easy coming face to face with a side of you that you hate. We are all human and it is natural for us to get angry, upset, hurt, etc. But we can choose to respond in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse for everyone. During my therapy I had to work through some rooted things from my childhood that were buried in my heart. Things I didn’t want to face, but knew I had to because sometimes freedom is found in doing hard things. I had to learn grace because I am not perfect and I will fail. It’s okay to step away so you can breathe normal and respond calmly. I had to find a community of moms to share life with. I had to communicate well with my husband about my needs because some days are just hard. I had to fully relay on Jesus because I can’t do this Mom life without Him. ❤️