And Xanax “I got this.”-my daily mantra
Nearly every day this week I feel like I have gone to bed and woken up with an already empty bucket of patience, which kind of feels like a horrible way to start your day with three toddlers. I also haven’t been sleeping great because my brain feels like it won’t stop thinking. There are some things that I’m working through in my heart and there are also some incredibly exciting things happening that just have put my mind into whirlwind causing me to feel stressed and overwhelmed. I even got a cold sore. The lack of patience and exhaustion are the worst combination, and then add stress and I turn into a ticking time bomb. I think you could say this week I was an anxiety attack waiting to happen.
And it happened. Twice.
I haven’t had an anxiety attack in 8 months and then all of the sudden I have 2 in one week. It feels frustrating.
These moments are hard. The moments where my body is suddenly heating up and my heart racing. The moments where panic begins to fuel my heart with fear. The moments where my husband is late for work because he can see the panic setting in. The moments where I know I need a xanax. The moments where my kids see me on the brink of losing it and the fear of what they think of me implodes my heart. Those are the hardest moments. It is amazing how much anxiety and fear can captivate your mind in those moments!! When I’m in the thick of an anxiety attack I have a very hard time seeing a brave, strong, great mom. And instead, I see weakness and disappointment.
Then after some time passes and my heart has calmed down the confident, continually growing me kicks into gear and I realize that the only way I’m going to do this mom job well, is with grace.
It is okay that I need to have xanax every now and then. It is okay that I need daily anxiety medication right now. It is okay to be open, honest, and vulnerable about this season. It is okay to focus a lot on self love and self care.
“I got this” means waking up, knowing however the day turns out that you are a great Mom. It means choosing grace and self love. It means one day at a time. It means believing in yourself!