New Series: Confessions of the Anxious Mama
I remember my first panic attack like it was yesterday. My babies were around 3 months old and the sleep deprivation was sucking the living life out of me. I was so ashamed of myself for not loving this new season of motherhood, something I desired and longed for so deeply. If you have experienced a panic attack before you know how quick they can come on. I laid sobbing on my bathroom floor, trembling and sweating all over. Tears uncontrollably flowing down my cheeks while my husband cradled me in his arms. I could barely breathe. I felt like a failure. My postpartum anxiety and depression was crippling me. I knew I needed help. I knew I needed to make change. Something had to change.
I had no clue what I was doing with my three tiny infants (for the record, I still don’t have a clue what I am doing). The months went by and we made certain change to help me through the season. I was on medication and hired a mommy helper. You do what you need to do.
I was eventually able to go off the medication I was prescribed… And then my kids turned 2 and I found myself spiraling down the whole again. Ugh. I was so frustrated to see myself falling into this season of anxiety again. I was lonely and embarrassed. But I knew the steps I needed to take in order to help me face my anxiety struggles and be a good mom at the same time.
I went back on my meds.
Fast forward to January 2018. New year, new me. I felt like I had been doing so much better with my anxiety. I felt more calm and collected and hadn’t had an anxiety attack in months. For now, I will spare you with the details, but I made the choice to go off my anxiety meds. In so many words, it was a bad idea. I was a loose cannon with very little patients. I felt so ashamed of myself. So disappointed. I realized I made a premature decision to go off my meds. I just wasn’t ready.
Embarrassed. Frustrated. Disappointed.
I can see now that I’m just a Mom trying to be healthy for her family. Being on anxiety meds doesn’t make you a failure. It makes you a human being who is trying to be the best she can be. Being a Mom is so freaking hard guys. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I will probably never know what I am doing, but what I do know is that I love my babies so much and I am trying to be the best and healthiest version of myself for them. So, I will do hard things and make hard choices because it will help me be a better me.
I am looking forward to sharing more of my own personal anxiety struggles: Confessions of the Anxious Mama. We have to stick together Mamas and know we aren’t alone in the ups and downs of Motherhood.
Letter board: @rivi.co