To My 12 Remaining Embryos

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To my 12 remaining embryos,

The day we learned there were 14 of you we instantly knew our story of hope wasn’t just for us. You have been frozen now for almost 3 years.  Sometimes my infertility feels like a distant memory and other times the pain and anguish of an empty womb floods my heart like it was just yesterday.  My body went through a lot just in hopes that God would give me one of you. So when the Doctor called to tell us there were 14 of you, we were in shock.

I have been thinking about you a lot lately.

I don’t really know if we will be going back for another round of IVF.  Your siblings are triplets and it is kind of a lot right now. And if we decided to have another baby and had the opportunity to bring one of you into this world, it wouldn’t be for a few more years and we know we could only take one of you.  I wish we could take all of you, but I know deep in my heart that God didn’t make you so I could keep all of you just for myself.

It saddens me because I honestly can’t bare the thought of some else raising you. And truthfully, it is hard for me to accept that someone else will be your Mom. She will feel you grow in her womb and share in your first moments.  She will be the one to hold you when you are sad, help you when you are sick, keep you safe when you are scared.  She will be the one you depend on, the one you cry for, the one you make all your memories with.  She will love you with a special kind of love a Mother has for her child. She will know you.  She will watch you take your first steps, hear your first words. She will be the one to watch you grow up, graduate from school, and one day get married and have children of your own. I can feel the jealousy in my heart just thinking about her sharing those moments with you. I grieve not knowing you like she will know you. I grieve not being able to look deep into those beautiful eyes of yours and tell you how much I love you. I grieve giving you to her. You won’t be mine anymore.

However, the truth is, as much as I call you mine, or even one day hers,  you are God’s perfectly made little snowflakes. And I have to trust in what God told me in the very beginning: “You are hope, hope for many.”  Deep in my heart I know that your Mama will love you like I love you.   And even though it is hard for me to fully comprehend that right now, I know, one day, He will prepare my heart for her to be your Mom, but I will always be connected to you. I will be apart of you. I will always be loving you.

Sincerely,

Your first Mom.

@thefortintrio

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15 thoughts on “To My 12 Remaining Embryos

  1. I can relate to this so much. We had 11 remaining embryos and worked with a christian company through the adoption process. We choose a couple and one embryo was recently transferred. The adoption has remained open, but it’s hard as I am happy we preserved life, but wish I could have been a mother to them all. Prayers for you.

    • Wow. Hugs mama. Did you donate all to the same couple? If you have any advice I would love to hear it. We will be working with a Christian Company, as well, when the time comes–as well as open adoption. I can only imagine what that will be like. hugs and love your way mama

  2. In tears reading this. We have all girl triplets. Our first round gave us our beautiful 5 year old then two failed tries after and then our sweet triplet girls. We now have 4 remaining embryos and it just is so hard to think of it. The words… you are hope, hope for many… are words maybe God will speak to me as well. So beautiful! Thank you for sharing. W

  3. As a Nana to twin 4-month old grandsons from embryo adoption I can’t tell you how much I love these boys and thank the donors.

    I can’t imagine the pain of giving up your embryos. Last week we met the donor parents and watched them hold our grandsons with joy knowing they had chosen life for these little ones who have been frozen for 8 years.

    My DIL has blogged about their experiences here. https://frozenloveblog.wordpress.com/2017/07/13/sharing-the-love-genetic-fam-meets-jake-and-luke/

    • Wow!! I love this. I love that the donor parents were able to meet your grandson… i, too, hope to share in those moments with my snowflakes and their future Mama…it is so hard but truly a gift at the same time. Thank you for sharing your DIL blog… I loved it!!! I really love all the love they all shared together–i really hope to have that for us as well. thank you so much for sharing this with me–meant a lot

      • I’m the DIL mentioned above, mama to two twin boys adopted as embryos. Please contact me if you ever want some encouragement from a recipient of donated embryos. I will more than happily gush to you for hours about the love I have for my boys and the respect and love I have for their genetic parents and family. Thank you so much for choosing to donate your embryos instead of destroying them or doing nothing with them. My boys will grow up knowing that they were worked for, loved, and cared for long before they came to us.

  4. Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband and I are on the other side of this. His body to not produce sperm so we are just in the very beginning stages of embryo adoption. I’ve followed your blog for a long time and it’s given us so much hope. But thru the embryo adoption process, we’ve been grieving the loss of the idea that we will ever have genetic children of our own. But I’ve been wondering what it’s like on the other side of this, for the mom and dad who will be giving us the most sacrificial gift imaginable. Thank you so much for your words here. Thank you so much for the letter to your remaining embryos and for the openness you’ve shared about the emotions you are feeling. From a future embryo-adoptive mom who has a different kind of grief, thank you so much for sharing this.

  5. So Beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing. We are on a waiting list for Embryo Adoption right now and your post has made me realize even more than ever how much of a gift those who choose to donate are giving. If we are blessed that the process works for us I will definitely hold my little one close a moment longer in honor of the mom who loved them first.

  6. Pingback: To My 12 Remaining Embryos – Give Me The Newz

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  8. This is a beautiful story. My “snowflakes” turned 17 last month. I grieved infertility for many years, even after my boys were born, and I am so thankful for their genetic parents. They also had triplets just 18 months older than my twins. All the children keep in contact via Facebook as well as with their genetic parents. We consider ourselves extended family. The kids met when they were young, but don’t remember. I hope someday they will all meet again. It has been a joy raising my sons, and am preparing to “let go” as they graduate this year. I know that God gave them to me for a season, and it went way too fast. I have cherished every moment and I am thankful for the Godly men they have become.

    Blessings to you and your children.

  9. As a recipient who has struggled with all the different aspects of IVF and adopted embryos, thank you so much for saying this. These words will forever resonate in me, “However, the truth is, as much as I call you mine, or even one day hers, you are God’s perfectly made little snowflakes. And I have to trust in what God told me in the very beginning: “You are hope, hope for many.” “”.

  10. I don’t understand your pain but I remember mine all too well. No embryos after two rounds of IVF attempts. Someone like you gave us a chance to be parents. My daughter, Maggie, is 9 years old and she is my world. She was born via embryo adoption. The best day of my life. God is so good. I’m thankful for you and your precious heart to give your babies a chance at life.

  11. You’ve put into word what I’ve never actually been able write down. I badly want to write a letter to the children that I’ve had to ‘let go’, and watch another woman be their Mommy. Thank you for these words, and for the inspiration to put pen to paper in my own journey.

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