To The Childless man this Father’s Day,
I have been trying to think about something special to do for my husband this Father’s Day. He once was you… As I thought about him the only thing I could think about was when he actually was childless… There was one moment in particular that I couldn’t get out of my head.
It was a summer night during our agonizing and painful walk of infertility and the fact that we didn’t have a family stormed through our already broken hearts in a hot second. We learned earlier that day that one of our fertility treatments had yet again failed. My heart was an emotional wrecking ball. My husband, Ryan, was strong and held me in his arms for what felt like hours as tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks.
My sister-in-law and her son happened to be visiting that day and my husband, Ryan, decided he would get our nephew to bed that night. We peeked through the door as he sang “Abba Father” to him. Ryan rocked him back and forth and back and forth, gazing into his deep blue eyes telling him over and over “Uncle Ry Ry loves you,” until he finally fell asleep. He rocked him even after he was asleep, gazing at a boy he loved so much. I knew he was having a moment. A moment to grieve, but also a moment to know that even though he wasn’t a father yet, the kind of love that beamed through his soul for the boy he held in his arms was the kind of love a father shows his son. I could see the hope and heart break all in a single glance, but mostly I knew this specific moment was for Ryan, a moment he needed that specific day. It was a reminder that even though our journey was different than what we thought, the father’s love in him could still be expressed.
Our journey was hard. Holidays, gatherings, celebrations… they were all hard. And often Ryan would be the one putting on the brave face forcing himself to just get through the day. Sometimes it feels like the fatherless are forgotten. We put so much emphasis on how hard infertility or adoption must be for the woman struggling to conceive that we sometimes forget that it is hard for men too. Infertility comes with a lot of gut wrenching emotions and I know there were times where the journey was just overwhelmingly heartbreaking for him too.
As I think about this Father’s Day, I think about you. I think about the man who is so desperate to be a Dad, who is painfully and patiently waiting for that special day. I hope you know how strong and brave you are. I know this journey can be confusing at times and it is not what you pictured when you decided you were ready to have a family. It is okay to be vulnerable and shed tears. However you face your days, know that you are not alone. God knows all the details of your journey to become a Father and His details are more perfect than our own. To the Childless Man, You are remembered this Father’s Day. And you will most certainly make a great Daddy one day too.
He once was you.