My heart was pounding. I could feel my anxiety stirring within and I was at a loss for words. I grabbed Ryan’s hand hoping he would step in and say something, but he too, was dumbfounded and just as shocked as I was as we sat at the restaurant table staring into the eyes of the couple we were dining with.
“God needs more time on you.” The words so casually came out of her mouth.
We had barely just started on our dinner meal. I had a complete loss for appetite and so desperately wanted to leave. My heart was pounding. I wondered if they could tell how uncomfortable we were. Their “advice” had simply crossed the line so much that I wanted to throw up. I was so overwhelmed that I started sweating. Ryan and I were already in the midst of fertility treatment, so we didn’t need advice on what we should do to get pregnant. We already chose a path and we were standing in faith trusting it would work for us. Ultimately, what we needed was for them to stand with us, love us, pray with us, and support our decisions (as this journey belonged to Ryan and I).
Those 6 words: “God needs more time on you.”
My mind was spinning. “What does she even mean? I am not ready to be a Mother?!”
My heart was crushed and sinking into a deep pit of sadness as she continued to tell me why I wasn’t pregnant. “You know because it has taking so long, so maybe that’s it–God just needs more time to prepare you for Motherhood.”
I smiled and nodded.
Perhaps, when I decided to expose my heart and my story I gave the opportunity for people to share their opinions and suggestions with me. There was a point in my infertility where I finally came to a place where I didn’t mind sharing my heart, the raw emotions of my story. It allowed me to be real with who I am, especially if I was having a rough day. And honestly, it gave me healing to be able to share so openly the struggles of this journey. However, with exposing myself the way that I did, I sometimes found myself in unfathomable moments like that particular evening where the “advice” was too much for my heart and only caused a heart ache. I somehow managed to bottle up any courage to stand up for myself to defend what the truth was. And instead, I felt like a little girl screaming but nothing could come out of my mouth.
As if things couldn’t get any worse her husband chimed in next expressing to me his concern for all the sins in my life and how I needed to ask for forgiveness. Perhaps, that’s why I wasn’t pregnant. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
i was speechless. And kind of DONE.
I wish I could tell you that I stood up for my story and how God has so beautifully designed our walk to parenthood. I wish I could tell you that Ryan did too. Unfortunately, we were both so blown away by these words that we completely checked out and all we wanted was to go home.
Days passed and I could feel the bitterness stirring on my heart. I was angry that they even had the audacity to tell us “why” we weren’t getting pregnant and pull out the God card-as if Ryan and I weren’t walking a journey of ultimate hope, trust, and faith. Little did I know these words of advice scarred my heart more than I thought and I had to work through the pain and untruths they caused me to feel. Part of me actually believed some of these things. It wasn’t until I found myself in the arms of a close friend in my church parking lot sobbing when I realized that I was believing something about me that wasn’t even true. God has never needed more time on me. He has given me this incredible desire to be a Mom, and although, my story to parenthood has been much longer than what I thought it would be, it has been so perfectly designed and orchestrated by Him. It has not been easy. There have been so many tears, my heart has been wrecked, grief has succumbed me, but my hope was never taken from me. And even though Ryan and I chose the path of In-vitro, it took more faith than I ever knew even existed in my heart to trust that God would not only provide for us financially, but give us a family this way, as well. And he did-He richly blessed my womb triple fold. I can look back at our season of infertility and literally see the intricate details of God’s design for our journey and how HOPE continues to reach many because of the journey He gave us. What more could I ask for?
All this to say, be mindful of what you say to your friend, co-worker, sister, family member, etc. who is battling the very agonizing struggles of infertility. All they really need is love and support. They need you to be there for them to listen when they have had a really rough day because their heart aches over yet another pregnancy announcement. They need you to hold them as they cry tears of sadness because their pregnancy test was negative. They need you to stand with them and support them if they choose fertility treatment, adoption, egg/sperm donor, or surrogacy. They need you to pray with them through their painful days and heartbreaking losses. They need your encouragement, not your advice on how to conceive. They need you to try your best to understand their journey, even if you have never walked it. They need to know that you will always be there for them–even if their journey is years upon years. That’s what friends do.
This brings tears to my eyes while reading it as I not long ago heard those words and felt those feelings. That was one of the hardest things when your friends/family said certain things and you were almost dumbfounded. On a second note, I am so happy and excited for you guys and wish you nothing but the best!
People say the weirdest things. I’m sorry your heart was harpooned by their words. ❤
I have enjoyed reading your blog. I saw your gender reveal on social media a few months ago. I was telling my daughter Melody about it and she said that she knew you and had been to your wedding. I guess she and Ryan were R.A.s together at PLNU. Small world. My youngest daughter is pregnant with her second son, due in early October. It’s fun to track both your pregnancies. I am so sorry that so many people have been so insensitive to you in the past. You are helping a lot of people by sharing this blog. God Bless You!
I wanted to shout “AMEN!” as I read this post. So beautifully, eloquently written; perfectly putting into words the thoughts I’ve had when similar things have been said to me. Thankfully, nobody has inferred that it is somehow sin keeping me from conceiving. I might have committed a sin if someone did. Thank you so very, very much for writing this! My husband and I are beginning the process of in-vitro, and having a hard enough time coming to terms with it ourselves, as yet too afraid to even approach the subject with family. I’m going to show all of them this post, that they may understand a little better. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing, it’s nice to know I am not the only one. My husband and I have been on our infertility journey for 2.5 years so far, and I don’t really discuss our journey except with those I have learned to trust because I too have heard so many hurtful comments. My “favorites” were the ones along the lines of “well God will just fix it” or “you know the more you stress about it the less likely it will happen” or “God has a plan”.