Dirty Little Secret

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Since I am transparent, honest, vulnerable, and truly like to express the details of my heart– then buckle up, because here goes:

Pregnancy and Sex. I never imagined I would be that pregnant woman who was not only pregnant with triplets and growing by the second, but also horny as ever and missing sexual intimacy with my husband. However, I have also never been pregnant before and certainly never truly understood the magnitude of how emotional these raging hormones can make you feel. For some pregnant women they can’t bare the thought of sex or the thought of their husbands touching their continually changing bodies and feelings of discomfort. But not me. What has made things even more difficult is the fact that intercourse has been banned since my embryo transfer in early January. My body has changed dramatically. I grow like you wouldn’t believe, my boobs have doubled in size, me legs touch when I walk, I can’t move around all to well, and I cry over all kinds of things. But that certainly hasn’t stopped my my sex drive.

My hormones were at an all time high about a month or so ago. It was a weekday afternoon and I was waiting for Ryan to get home from work. I was incredibly emotional. I missed Ryan-his touch, his kisses, and our intimacy. I missed making love and sharing in passionate moments together. And of course, my feelings were even more heightened because of my out of whack wild uncontrollable hormones. Ryan was finally home and he could tell that I had been crying.

“What’s wrong sweetie?” He said as he immediately came over and put his arms around me.

Tears came pouring down my cheeks. My thoughts were sporadic. “I think I am the only one who wants to have sex? Doesn’t he think about sex all the time? Has pregnancy made me less attractive?”

“Honey.” I paused for a moment trying to catch my breathe in between my cries. “Do you even think about having sex with me?”

Ryan looked at me blank in the face. I think I took him off guard. It was a silly question and I can laugh now thinking back to that moment. However, I was dead series and waiting for an answer. At the time, my hormones and irrational thinking had me believing that I was too big, too pregnant, and not sexy enough causing me to wonder if he even thought about making love to me.

“Do you even think about having sex with me?” I said it again in a more firm voice… And continued pouring my intense desire to share in physical intimacy with him.   “Because I think about it all the time. I miss being intimate.” I was bawling my eyes out as the tears came storming down my cheeks. I wondered if he was just going to stare at me or say something.

“Of course I think about having sex with you…I think about it all the time too.” His striking blue eyes glared deep into mine as he pulled me in close.

“We just can’t honey.” He said in a whisper. This was the reality. And I knew that.

As I said, we were told by our Doctors from the very beginning “no sex, no orgasms, no nothing the whole pregnancy!!” We are in it for the long haul. When we can finally have sex again, after I recover from my c-section, it will be as if I am losing my virginity all over again. Oh My God. We laugh about it now, but really, that’s a long time!

Before I was pregnant, I wondered how anyone could even possibly crave sex with a big pregnant belly and all kinds of crazy hormones running through you?  Oh, but you can. At first, to be honest, I was embarrassed to feel such desire for sex with my body changing so rapidly and struggled especially since we cannot have sex. However, I am the horny pregnant wife who really misses having sex and being physically intimate with my husband. And so what? It is perfectly normal. I have come to realize that these hormones are no joke. And sometimes I just can’t control what I am feeling even when all I want is a little lovin from my hubby. There is no shame in that. Pregnancy is quite the experience and different for everyone. I have also learned to truly appreciate my husband and value our intimate moments together no matter what they look like. The journey God has so graciously given me is the most beautiful story and my darling hope babies are worth every sacrifice I have to make through this pregnancy–even if it means we are banned from the bedroom!

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One thought on “Dirty Little Secret

  1. Beautiful couple. I’m also pregnant with triplets and I’m so scared. I’m 13 wks pregnant. I get very emotional at times. How soon did you find out the genders? Reading your story makes me feel alot better. Wishing u guys all the best and happiness.

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