“Everyone is having babies, BUT ME!!!”
The words just came out of my mouth as if I was emotionally barfing everywhere. I was on the phone with a close friend who called to tell me she was pregnant. I genuinely was so happy for her, but could feel the anxiety of my empty womb stirring in my heart. After we said our goodbye’s I just set me phone on the counter. My heart was aching and I could feel the flood of jealousy storming into my being. I wanted to cry as I stood in my living room venting as tears of disappointment and sadness formed in my eyes. Little did I know, after our conversation ended, I thought I hung up the phone, however, in fact I did not.
“Everyone is having babies, BUT ME!!!”
Ryan was staring at me, mortified, as he knew my friend had to have heard my cries.
“Des?” Was all I heard on the other end of the line.
“Oh my God. I can’t believe I just did said that. Oh my God. She heard me.” I was silent for a split second as I didn’t even know how to respond. How was I supposed to recover from this. Here she had just shared with me her special news of expecting a baby and I immediately expressed my disappointment over my situation as soon as I could. It was one of the worst feelings ever. I have been able to share in the joys the best I can with a lot of my friends who have told me they were pregnant, but this moment was by far the worst! Our phone conversation was lovely despite the intense ache I had in my heart and things just took a horrible turn as soon as I thought our phone call had ended. I was so embarrassed and didn’t know what to do or say to fix what I had said.
“Des?” She said again.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, I decided to respond like this:
“Oh hey…I was just telling Ryan that you are having a baby.”
Terrible. I cringe just thinking about it. First off, I blatantly lied because I was fearful of telling her how I was really feeling and how difficult it actually was for me to hear her special news, even though she heard my every word. It was the holiday season and I had 6 friends tell me they were pregnant within a matter of weeks. It was the absolute worst timing and I couldn’t bare to hear one more. But I did, and my emotions just came pouring out of me, uncontrollably. Typically, when someone would tell me they were pregnant I would try and enjoy the moment with them the best that I could because that is my heart and then after, if needed, I would have a little sob fest alone on my bedroom floor or in the arms of of my husband so I could release the burning ache of my empty womb. I have always wanted to celebrate the life of a new baby with all my friends, however, infertility is hard and sometimes you come face to face with situations like and things are said that you never imagined you would actually say. I wish I could erase this particular moment from my infertility journey. I felt awful for being so expressive, loud, and ultimately, broken. However, the reality is for many of us facing infertility know that hearing the joys of someones pregnancy can be incredibly painful and it is not always easy to hear and process.
I have had friends tell me they were pregnant in many ways: phone call, email, text, in person, etc. I am not sure what is best. Infertility is such a personal journey and so it is likely different for everyone. And you have good days and bad days, so timing is probably everything, and not something that you can always control. However, I think coming from a loving, honest, and authentic perspective is what is best-and most important in a friendship when sharing this news. I know it was difficult for friends to tell me they were pregnant and they were probably just as fearful about sharing their news with me as I was hearing it. One of my dear friends even sought counseling to learn the best way to approach me when sharing her surprise pregnancy with me. This meant a lot to me because she really thought about what would be the best way to share their news with me. My heart still struggled. However, she was so intentional and thoughtful about sharing this good news with me. Like her, and several of my other close friends, their intentions were never to hurt me. And like me, when I cried out in jealousy and my girlfriend heard my every word, she knew my intentions were not to hurt her. It just was a rough day and what I was feeling came out in a not so beautiful way. It happens.
I have talked a lot about grace and how crucial understanding grace was for me in the midst of my infertility struggles. That day, my friend had grace for me. And I had grace for myself, as well. No one asks for the struggles and heartache of infertility. We are simply given our journeys. As humiliated as I was about how this conversation played out, it is apart of my story. It taught me a lot about myself and showed me that sometimes things like this happen in all walks of life. God is beautiful in all His ways, and although this moment doesn’t look very beautiful it is because of God’s grace.
It is amazing to me to think back to that moment when so many around me were pregnant and having babies. At the time it really felt like everyone was having babies, but me. How my heart desperately grieved for my own children. Yet, here I am today, 23 weeks pregnant with my darling hope triplets, my precious babies. How great God is and how beautiful His timing is. I know there were so many days where I didn’t understand why my journey to parenthood had to be so agonizing and painful. However, now I can look back and see all that God did. He anchored hope in my heart and gave me a journey more beautiful than anything I could have ever imagined. The wait was worth every salty tear and God has shown me His beauty in this walk.