“I think I am pregnant!!!”
Ryan suddenly looked at me. His striking blue eyes glared deep into mine.
Excitement and wonder stirred the air as we drove to Laguna Beach to spend the weekend with our family.
I started to think maybe it was too premature to express this to him, but the words practically fell out of my mouth. “I mean I don’t know, but I think I might be pregnant…”
Our two week wait slipped by much faster this cycle. And for most of that time my heart was in heavy hopes that this was in fact our time.
I started testing with at home pregnancy tests as soon as I could. Looking back, I should have known better, especially considering my weary relationship with them. However, I couldn’t help myself because I thought I was pregnant. My heart was overflowing with hope and my boobs were as sore as ever. This had to be my time! However, negative after negative stared me blank in the face. “Maybe it’s too early to test or maybe the at home tests just don’t work for me,” I thought. I tested negative every day, day after day, for about 6 days and each of those negatives was a dagger to my heart. I began to feel confused. “Maybe I am not pregnant?,” I started to think the day before our blood panel. However, my boobs still remained sore and it was the only pregnancy symptom I could actually count on at that point. I had to choose hope.
It was a Thursday morning. I got ready to head down to La Jolla to have my blood drawn. I honestly had no idea whether I was pregnant or not, even though the at home tests said otherwise. I waited to have my blood drawn. My nurses were all around me in high hopes that this was our time. They poked my arm, took my blood, and said they would call me in an hour or two with the results.
I was in San Diego and had just finished a counseling session when I realized I had missed a call from my nurse. I was sitting in my corolla as the strong summer heat beamed through the windows. This was a big moment. I had to call her back. The phone started to ring on the other line and I could feel my heart rate go up… Finally, my nurse, answered.
I could hear in the sound of her low toned voice that it wasn’t good news.
“Unfortunately, your blood work came back negative. I’m so sorry.”
Silence was in the air. Then, suddenly, tears were uncontrollably storming down my cheeks and I felt like I couldn’t breath. Finally cries of mere brokeness came from my mouth. I banged my hands against the steering wheel of my car and screamed “No!!” I couldn’t really get a hold of my emotions. I was sad, mad, discouraged, and broken. Sweat dripped down my chest, my hands were clammy, and my whole body was shaking. Pure disappointment had succumbed me.
I needed to call Ryan and share this heartbreaking news with him. He was at work, likely in the middle of class. How would I tell him that our second IUI had failed, again? That not only could I not give him a child naturally like most couples do, but our second round of treatment was an epic failure. How would I tell him this? I called him several times, but it just went to voicemail. I didn’t know what else to do, so I decided to share this news with him in a text message. Seems like the worst idea when think about it now, but I had to tell him. Later, Ry told me he got the text in the middle of a lesson to his third graders… Ugh, timing couldn’t have been more worse! How do you stay composed after you learn something like this in the middle of teaching a lesson to 9 year olds?
I drove home in complete sullenness. At times, I could feel myself breathing really heavy. Finally, the shaking had stopped and I immediately felt numb. I got home and sat on my couch and stared blankly in front of me. So much ran through my mind.
“How could I think I was actually pregnant? I clearly didn’t know my body like I thought I did. I am not even capable of making a baby. Has God forgotten me? This is all my fault. We are going to have to do IVF. How would we even be able to afford it? What is wrong with me? I just want to be with Ryan. I need Ryan.” I was instantly overwhelmed by my rational and irrational thinking as my thoughts were bouncing everywhere and my heart was physically aching. It was a bad day indeed.
I was in desperate state of confusion and sadness. I never thought we would actually experience another failed IUI attempt. There have been more times than I would actually like to admit where I thought I was pregnant. However, this time things were so different. With our second IUI, I had two follicles that released. TWO. This was quite literally an answer to prayer. I just kept thinking “this is our time” and I was very hopeful. And of course my sore boobs didn’t help. I don’t even get sore boobs when my period chooses to make an appearance. It was so bizarre and ultimately, so frustrating. There were so many intricate details about my second IUI that came from the Lord. Hope stirred so much in my heart this cycle and in an instant, it was exchanged for grief. I grieved my story, my empty womb, and my babies…all over again.
If I have learned anything about our journey it is that I cannot live without God, the Creator of the Universe, the King of Hope. Hope is one of the most vital parts of our journeys. Once you choose Hope anything can happen. Hope is trusting that every detail is made by the Lord in His perfect timing. It is the only thing stronger than fear. It is faith and it is beauty. Hope is to endure and overcome your grief knowing that God is the Maker of everything. Hope is waiting. And waiting takes bravery. It takes courage and the ability to choose God in the midst of your trial and pain. Waiting is trusting that God’s story is much different than the one you have created for yourself. Waiting is choosing Him, no matter what. Our journey to parenthood is long and not what I thought it would be. It it tiring. At times I feel weary and weak. However, I have to remember that the Lord birthed this dream in me to be a Mother and that one day He will see it through.