“You can’t sit in this place for too long, Desi. Feel what you need to feel, and find the strength to put on God’s armor and move forward.”

I know it might be hard for some people to understand my grief when I say, “I feel like my baby died…” However, that is what it feels like when you are walking through infertility. Sometimes “People who have not experienced this loss think it should be easier because we hadn’t actually had the child yet…It’s the same grieving process for a Mother who has lost her child.” I recently read these words in an article that was very intriguing to me. I could easily relate to the author and I didn’t feel alone in my grief. She understood the devastation of infertility and knew the depths of one’s heart whose womb was barren. My heart physically ached and I was spent in all capacities. However, I knew I had to rise. I had to believe in hope and trust that God was in this, no matter how confused and disappointed I was.

I laid on my office floor for hours simply listening to worship and allowing God to do a new work in me. I played “It Is Well” by Kristene DiMarco on repeat. This song feels detrimental to my season. The lyrics resinated deep within my soul. Sometimes I would just whisper the lyrics and sometimes I would lay in silence because I didn’t know what to say to God. However, I knew through this intimate time with Him, God was pouring His love and truth over me.

“Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all, my eyes are on you
And through it all, through it all, it is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name”

I just have to express this part of the song to you again:
And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

God has given me a vision of myself every time I sing these specific words to Him. I always see a mountain of infertility right in front of me. It is covered in my grief that has swallowed up my being. The wounds of an empty womb and the agonizing walk of infertility are the foundation of the mountain. It is huge and miles wide. Despite how overwhelming this mountain looks in front of me, I choose to pick it up, roots and all. As I physically hold it above my head, strength comes crashing down into my heart because God made me an overcomer. And I see determination in my eyes as I toss that mountain of dismay and heartache deep into the midst of the sea. I can breathe again. And I am finally free of the mountain of infertility that made my heart so weary. My heart feels at peace and all is well.

There is power and strength in these words and as the days passed I just kept thinking, “It is well with my soul. It is well.”

My doctor told me my period would start days after going off the progesterone. I didn’t believe her because my period’s are always so irregular and inconsistent that I thought for sure we would have more time to discuss our steps moving forward. However, my Doctor was right. Fancy that. Just 3 days after we found that we were not pregnant my period did infact start and we had some decisions to make immediately.

“Should we move forward with another IUI or take a break?”

Initially, our hearts were in a place to take a break. Although, I didn’t know how much time I actually needed.

Everyone is different and everyone handles this journey differently.

When my period suddenly started we felt this unforeseen urge to just push forward. Hope instantly took over my soul and strength made it’s way to the forefront of my heart. Courage had succumbed me and I was ready to fight this again. I, honestly, can’t describe what happen, except that instantly the Lord supernaturally placed this overwhelming amount of hope and excitement in me to stand and move forward. I was ready to face this and win. We knew God was in the midst of our journey. So, we chose HOPE and prepared ourselves for another IUI.