Grief Struck

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I held my head in my hands and waited….  My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. My stomach was in knots and my body was clammy from the array of emotions that were eroding from within me. Ryan glared at the countertop as we waited for our at home pregnancy test results. Our IUI was over. Our two week wait was over. Was this finally our time? It felt like it was taking forever for the results. I couldn’t look, so Ryan stood in our bathroom waiting for an answer. Finally, he turned to face me. His striking blue eyes stared me blank in the face. He didn’t say a word. Sadness succumbed him. The look on his face was pure disappointment and he simply just shook his head. No.

Instantly, my eyes welted and deep cries of grief came from my mouth. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My heart was screaming “NO!!!”  I had no control over my body and the emotions that poured out of me that dark and agonizing morning. Tears came uncontrollably down my cheeks. Ryan helped me up from our bathroom floor and practically carried me to our bedroom, where I laid in his arms and sobbed for hours. He held me so close to him.  Even though I could see that grief had struck his heart too, he was so strong in those moments. As we laid in bed, holding each other gazing into our broken hearts, Ryan put his hand on my cheek and said “It’s going to be okay, we still have hope.”

My heart physically ached. I called it my baby grief ache.  That morning it came in like a raging tornado and destroyed every living particle of hope that even existed in me. I know that I have never been pregnant, but that morning, I lost my baby. I grieved. I grieved my babies. I grieved being pregnant. I grieved my story.  I grieved what so many other people in my life have.  Why not me, God? Why not now? I felt empty, sad, and tired. Not to mention, physically depleted.

These were the darkest days of my baby journey.  I felt abandoned by the One who birthed this dream of Motherhood in me and exhausted emotionally and physically from all that is involved in this journey. I didn’t understand. Everything lined up so perfectly for this to be successful. God opened every single door, until the very end.

We had to wait two days to confirm through blood work that we were indeed not pregnant. Deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t feel pregnant.  I wasn’t bloated. I didn’t see signs of implantation. My boobs felt normal…totally normal. I just knew in my gut that this was not our time.  However, when you invest financially, emotionally, and physically into something like this you hang onto even the tiniest bit of hope. “Maybe I am pregnant even though I don’t feel pregnant?  Maybe I am pregnant even though we tested negative. Just maybe…” I thought. But I knew. The moment was coming when our clinic would call and confirm that our IUI was infact unsuccessful. And that moment would hurt just as much as the at home test.

Grief struck my heart worse than it had ever struck it before. The only thing that consumed my entire being was a deep aching pain of emptiness. I love God and I will always always choose His story for me, but this was hard. In the midst of my grief, it was difficult for me to pray and ultimately seek Him. I was angry and sick of my journey.

Someone told me “You can’t sit in this place for too long, Desi.  Feel what you need to feel, and find the strength to put on God’s armor and move forward.” This couldn’t have been more true. Grief can consume you.  It can destroy who you are and steal from you what God actually has planned for your story. And I knew that.  I knew I couldn’t soak in my sorrows, so I grieved for a little while and had a grace for what I needed to feel. I laid in His Holy presence even when it was hard. And then God gave me the courage to find the strength I needed to pick myself up and move forward because this is His battle and He has already won.

 

 

 

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19 thoughts on “Grief Struck

  1. Every time I read about your journey it brings me to tears. I can’t understand your pain but my heart goes out to you. Reading your posts provide so much encouragement, hope for tomorrow. A motivation to pursue God. You are a beautiful gift to this world and I thank you for sharing your journey, for being so vulnerable. The ways you and your husband are holding each other through this journey is also truly impactful for me. Love never fails & God’s hope for us is UNFAILING!!! Thank you Desiree & Ryan

  2. Thinking of you. My husband and I have been ttc for over a year now. All of our testing has come back normal but still no baby. Every month becomes harder and harder. I pray and pray for it to get easier. Our next step is to see a fertility doctor.

    • Aww I am so sorry you are walking through this journey too. It is so hard. Stay close to the Lord, He will carry you through! Honestly, fertility doctors, in my opinion are very helpful. They specialize in infertility so they may be able to find specifically what is preventing you from getting pregnant and ultimately, be able to help you have a family! i am praying for you! God is your hope. He has not forgotten you.

  3. My prayers are with you…been there. Tried everything prayed many times and God is always faithful. After 36 childless years we have an international teenager for 10 months who calls me Mom. Hang in there & trust in God Jeremiah 29:11

  4. My prayers are with you. I know how you feel, been there. Gods timing is always perfect. After 36 years of childless living we have an international teenager who calls me Mom for 10 months. Our prayers were answered Jeremiah 29:11

  5. Desiree, my heart breaks for you and Ryan. I know how my life revolved around every single day of my cycle…….was i ovulating…..was the timing right?………..then the WAITING…….so many thoughts and emotions……then THE RESULTS. Then questioning if I had the strength and stamina to endure another cycle. I was not a believer during this time in my life. I thank God that y’all have Him along on your journey.

    The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
    Psalm 34:18, NLT

    Know that I am praying. xoxo

    • Bev, thank you so much for all your love and encouragement. I don’t even know how I would face this walk without the Lord. He pours hope and strength into me daily and it is what I need to endure. Thank you for your outpour of hope and God’s love. Hugs and love your way xoxo

  6. Powerful, raw, real and encouraging–your actions and the words you share time and time again in this digital spare are all of these and more.

    My goodness, Desiree, I had absolutely no clue what you and Ryan have been experiencing in your pathway toward parenthood. It is so simple to get wrapped up in your own life–speaking directly to myself. It’s so easy to miss the trials other’s are facing when you’re so consumed with your own routine and day-to-day activities. Forgive me for my selfish ways and not extending a hand of friendship toward you and Ryan during this time.

    God knows exactly what He does. He gave you Ryan for so many reasons but also for this exact blessing–that you would need a strong helpmate, friend and partner iwho could hold you up through these difficult trials.

    You both have such a steadfast focus and faith in Christ. I know He is preparing you for parenthood in His own unique way. Although I cannot relate to the feelings you long for regarding motherhood, I do understand what it feels like to lose something so precious to you and to yearn for something so deeply.

    My prayer for you and Ryan is that God will continue to reveal Himself to you during these uncertain times; that He will whisper to you both in the quiet moments and give you His perfect peace as only He can.

    I pray you’re able to draw closer to one another as you draw close to your God.
    I pray you seek Christ in your darkest moments–especially when you feel God may have abandoned you. These are the times when He is right beside you. He hears your cries, knows your deepest desires and understands your pain.

    I am holding you and Ryan close in thought and prayer. You have both been beautiful examples of what a God-fearing couple looks like. When so many marriages are breaking, yours is enduring. Trust God’s plan for your friendship; for your lives and for your marriage. I promise He has not forsaken you.

    Sending all of my love and prayers to you, my sweet friends.

    So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. -Isaiah 41:10

  7. Hi Desiree,
    Thank you for sharing your story, I too know the struggle of infertility. We are going through IVF right now and if you want someone to chat with I am on Facebook. I don’t know if you have any insurance coverage, but I have a few tips on places to get meds that saved us a lot of money when we had no insurance coverage. It also looks like we may have some unoppended boxes of meds that I want to give to someone who needs them. Hope I hear from you. Praying for you!

  8. Desiree-

    I just happened to stumble upon your blog from an infertility page on FB. I am so thankful I did! Your words touch my soul and I completely understand 100% the raw emotions you are going through. My husband David and I just went through our first IUI almost one month ago and it failed. Like you and your husband, we had SO much excitement and hopeful expectation going into it; I just knew in my spirit this was it-our miracle from the Lord that we have prayed so long for was going to take place that very day! And it didn’t. And it was crushing. It has only been a week and a half since I took that negative pregnancy test (and started my period literally 2 hours later), and I have had really good days when my strength is renewed and I’m ready and excited to try again, and a couple not so good days, like today, when I feel broken, literally and figuratively, and wonder how much more I can take. These days kinda sneak up out of nowhere, and I find myself breaking down sobbing. The really awesome thing about this journey are the moments like now, when the Lord, Who counts every. single. one of our tears (and He sure has His work cut out for Him with me because I’m a crier! 🙂 ) and puts them in His bottle; picks us up in these very times, and gently reminds us just how much He loves us and cares for us (though in this journey sometimes it doesn’t feel that way) by divine connections with those who are on the same journey and can understand and support us. Your blog has truly lifted my spirit after a very difficult day. Though there are times I would give anything to not have to go through one more step of this journey, moments like this remind me of the beauty from ashes that only Jesus can bring. You are a blessing and I am lifting you and your husband, Ryan, up in prayer.

    • Kelly,
      I am so blessed to hear you stumbled onto my blog… God is so timely.
      I am so sorry to hear that you, too, had a failed IUI. It is truly devastating and heartbreaking. I know it is hard for some to understand, but I remember I truly felt like I was grieving my children over and over again. So painful and so crushing, like you said. Someone told me one-that grieve what you need to grieve, but don’t stay in this place for too long, you need to pick yourself up and move forward. This couldn’t have been more true. I still have hard days-I don’t know how you couldn’t walking through infertility—even little things set me off at times. But keeping my eyes on Jesus and knowing that His plans for me are more perfect than anything I have created for myself shower my heart in peace and truth. Our journeys are stories of Hope. God will bring us both a family one day… He is timely—and his story for us is beautifully knitted together. The more and more I walk through this journey, I have come to realize that Hope is such a huge part of our walk and the faith it takes to simply trust in Him. My husband and I are in the midst of IVF. I never thought it would actually come to this for us—but God is revealing to me a greater purpose in our story. Hope always. Hope makes miracles happen. Hope makes beauty out of ashes.
      Some days are so hard-have grace for yourself. and know the Lord is close to you–and holding all your tears-like you said.
      I am praying for you and David!!! Trusting, believing, and standing in hope withyou!
      If you ever want to talk on a more personal level, feel free to contact me: desfortin@gmail.com
      All my love, hugs, and prayers!!! xo

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