I held my head in my hands and waited…. My heart was beating so fast it felt like it was going to pop out of my chest. My stomach was in knots and my body was clammy from the array of emotions that were eroding from within me. Ryan glared at the countertop as we waited for our at home pregnancy test results. Our IUI was over. Our two week wait was over. Was this finally our time? It felt like it was taking forever for the results. I couldn’t look, so Ryan stood in our bathroom waiting for an answer. Finally, he turned to face me. His striking blue eyes stared me blank in the face. He didn’t say a word. Sadness succumbed him. The look on his face was pure disappointment and he simply just shook his head. No.
Instantly, my eyes welted and deep cries of grief came from my mouth. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My heart was screaming “NO!!!” I had no control over my body and the emotions that poured out of me that dark and agonizing morning. Tears came uncontrollably down my cheeks. Ryan helped me up from our bathroom floor and practically carried me to our bedroom, where I laid in his arms and sobbed for hours. He held me so close to him. Even though I could see that grief had struck his heart too, he was so strong in those moments. As we laid in bed, holding each other gazing into our broken hearts, Ryan put his hand on my cheek and said “It’s going to be okay, we still have hope.”
My heart physically ached. I called it my baby grief ache. That morning it came in like a raging tornado and destroyed every living particle of hope that even existed in me. I know that I have never been pregnant, but that morning, I lost my baby. I grieved. I grieved my babies. I grieved being pregnant. I grieved my story. I grieved what so many other people in my life have. Why not me, God? Why not now? I felt empty, sad, and tired. Not to mention, physically depleted.
These were the darkest days of my baby journey. I felt abandoned by the One who birthed this dream of Motherhood in me and exhausted emotionally and physically from all that is involved in this journey. I didn’t understand. Everything lined up so perfectly for this to be successful. God opened every single door, until the very end.
We had to wait two days to confirm through blood work that we were indeed not pregnant. Deep down inside, I knew I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t feel pregnant. I wasn’t bloated. I didn’t see signs of implantation. My boobs felt normal…totally normal. I just knew in my gut that this was not our time. However, when you invest financially, emotionally, and physically into something like this you hang onto even the tiniest bit of hope. “Maybe I am pregnant even though I don’t feel pregnant? Maybe I am pregnant even though we tested negative. Just maybe…” I thought. But I knew. The moment was coming when our clinic would call and confirm that our IUI was infact unsuccessful. And that moment would hurt just as much as the at home test.
Grief struck my heart worse than it had ever struck it before. The only thing that consumed my entire being was a deep aching pain of emptiness. I love God and I will always always choose His story for me, but this was hard. In the midst of my grief, it was difficult for me to pray and ultimately seek Him. I was angry and sick of my journey.
Someone told me “You can’t sit in this place for too long, Desi. Feel what you need to feel, and find the strength to put on God’s armor and move forward.” This couldn’t have been more true. Grief can consume you. It can destroy who you are and steal from you what God actually has planned for your story. And I knew that. I knew I couldn’t soak in my sorrows, so I grieved for a little while and had a grace for what I needed to feel. I laid in His Holy presence even when it was hard. And then God gave me the courage to find the strength I needed to pick myself up and move forward because this is His battle and He has already won.