“Have you forgotten me, Lord?!” I cried out in desperation for an answer.
I sat alone on my office floor. The sun beamed through the window onto my skin. My entire being was flooded with sadness. I wondered “How long will my womb be empty God?” Before I knew it, a wave of anguish was suffocating my heart. I was furious with My Creator. My heart was drowning in a gloom of exasperation. I felt like a tornado had come plunging through the roots of my heart stealing my foundation of hope. I could feel my heart racing as I could barely catch a breath in between my cries. I was most certainly in a state of grief. “Will I ever be a Mother?” I asked the Lord.
I was tired-tired of hoping, waiting, believing, and praying…all I wanted was to hold my babies in my arms and for this unbearable walk of infertility to be over. “Have you forgotten me God?” I demanded. I felt a lot like Hannah, as she too, waited upon the Lord to fill her womb. “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life.” 1 Samuel 1:11. I could relate to Hannah’s heartbreak and prayers. That morning, I could literally feel the physical pain of my infertile womb filling my heart in deep grief and depression. I felt abandoned and forgotten by the One who placed the desire of Motherhood in me in the first place. I needed God’s comfort, His love, His Peace, and His Truth. I needed to know He hadn’t forgotten me. But all I could hear in the midst my disparity that morning was silence. I was consumed with profound misery and was afflicted by my barren womb. I couldn’t seem to compose myself. My hands were clammy and I could feel my body temperature rising from my overwhelming sense of loss. I kept thinking “how could my all-knowing, all-powerful God forget me?” It seemed as though nothing could fix my grieving heart. My infertility issues felt like a thick brick wall that kept getting taller and there was no way to the other side. Like any trial in your life, infertility can bring an array of emotions that can cause you to experience a low of all lows. And it truly takes a lot of faith to get out of that pit. That day I experienced my lowest of all lows and I was in a pit of abandonment. I was barely clinching to the Truth and the promises God has for me.
That night we headed to our usual Wednesday night youth service. I did not want to go. I was not in a place to greet my students with a smile and let love shine through me, but I went anyways. I felt fearful that someone would be able see through my eyes of devastation and that I might burst into tears at any given moment. I stood in the center of the altar with my head barracated into my chest as we began to worship. At first I said nothing. My anger towards the Lord encompassed the roots of my heart. I knew I needed to praise my way through these moments, but it took time before I could even say anything. Finally, tears flowing down my cheeks, I began to whisper the lyrics of song:
“When I don’t understand, I will choose You. When I don’t understand, I will choose You. When I don’t understand, I will choose to love You God.”
I don’t understand why infertility is my path to parenthood or why God simply hasn’t healed my ovaries. However, no matter how long it takes for me to be a Mother, I will always choose God. As I declared in a whisper these words over myself, suddenly I could feel the Lord’s peace in the atmosphere. Despite my grief, I knew God knew the depths of my aching heart that day and the burning desire in me to have a baby. As I remained in a place of worship, a friend who serves as a Youth Leader with Ryan and I, came and put her arms around me. I felt comforted by my Creator through her as she embraced me in her arms. And then she simply whispered a few words that would speak volumes over my heart in this journey to parenthood.
“God gave me a word for you. He says He hasn’t forgotten YOU!”
I was completely taking back and shocked by these words. He hasn’t forgotten me!
No one knew the depths of my heartache that day…But God did. My friend held me in her arms as I wept and wept. Little did she know several hours earlier my circumstance was clouding my heart with the question: “Have you forgotten me, Lord?” That day I realized that even in my darkest hours, God still hasn’t forgotten me. “I will not forget you. I have inscribed you on the palm of my hands; your walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:15-16. Sometimes in the midst of our deepest pain it is easy to believe that God has forgotten us. The truth is that’s a lie. Hannah, too, felt forgotten by the Lord… but she still chose God and “The Lord remembered her. In due time, Hannah conceived and bore a son.” 1 Samuel 1:19. God remembered Hannah and gave her the desire of her heart; to be a Mother. He made her womb fruitful and she bore a total of three sons and two daughters. Hannah’s story is a beautiful testimony of God’s faithfulness and how she thrived on hope through her journey. I know there are some days on this walk where my infertility pit seems so deep that I can’t seem to see the light, but the God I love and serve is so faithful and He sees my whole story. No matter how dark the tunnel seems, there is always light, and I will always choose Him. God knows the desire in me to be a Mother resides so deeply within my heart. He has grace for me on my difficult days and understands my heartbreak. I am riding an anchor of Hope believing in God’s Promises of a family because I know He has not forgotten me.
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Desiree beautiful post. Praying for you as I also pray for a loved one going through this.
Thank you so much!!! I will also be praying for your loved one going through this. I know it is such a difficult walk. Please keep me posted when your loved one becomes pregnant:) I love miracle stories. And I know He is so so so faithful!!!!!
Desiree,
Thank you for sharing this with us…my struggles with my faith in God right now are at their worst at this point in our journey. I have not attended my church since my 4th m/c in January in fear of being hurt by seeing the many preg women in my church, that brings on that feeling that God has left me behind and forgotten me and chosen not to make a miracle in my life. Why does he choose to bless other’s with this gift? Why did he create me with a broken body and why did he create me with such a strong desire to be a mother to my own child? I just haven’t wanted to worship, praise or thank him for awhile. You put words to my thoughts and feelings. Thank you.
Bryna, Thank you so much for your honesty and open heart. I am so sorry for your losses and that you too are struggling with this.It is truly such a difficult journey. I am not sure I will ever really understand why so many of us have to endure this… However, I completely understand your thoughts, questions, and feelings. I encourage you to lean on the Lord, as hard as it might be for you in this season right now. Remember that God has NOT forgotten you! And we cannot see our whole story, He does. I pray He will birth a new strength and hope in you. One of my favorite verses is “Hope anchors the soul.” Hebrews 6:19. I pray your womb will be fruitful very soon and your family will grow just as your heart desires! All my love and hugs your way!!
Desiree, today I cried when I read your feelings of sadness of being forgotten by The Lord. I so understand the desperation of wanting children and the whole infertility treatment regime. I prayed that the desires of your heart will be fulfilled.
When I continued to read and heard the words your friend and Youth Leader shared with you, I got goose bumps and cried for joy. God is good and your faith is awesome. I pray also that He will give you strength and stamina to deal with infertility until His perfect timing to fill your womb…..with twins!! xoxo
Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. Romans 12:12, NLT
Aww Bev. You bless my heart. Thank you for being so encouraging, loving, and supportive. This journey is a difficult walk, but I rejoice in all God has taught me and shown me. I feel like he God has revealed himself to me in certain ways I would probably never know if it wasn’t for this journey. He has birthed strength and hope in me, even on my harder days. He is so faithful. Thank you for your prayers–and for a double fruitful womb (twins would be amazing). I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you so much my dear friend.
I found out this year that I am infertile. I too struggle every day with this. Especially when it seems like teens that don’t even care about their babies keep getting pregnant and here am I struggling for just one. I have prayed and prayed like you and felt God has abandoned me. Your story makes me know I am not alone in this feeling and fight against infertility. I am glad, not that you are infertile, but that there is someone else out there that feels this way too. I pray you are blessed with a little one soon!
Becky, I totally understand what you mean. Sometimes the world doesn’t make sense… You see and hear of so many stories and are sitting here wondering “God, why not me? When? Please heal me!” And the truth is we may never understand why infertility is apart of our story, but I know go hasn’t forgotten either of us or the desires of Motherhood he placed in our hearts. You are not alone Becky. I remember praying God would place someone in my life who literally walked down the same path as me (diagnosis and all). I never want anyone to experience infertility, but knowing that there are people out there who truly understand the pain residing in your heart is in a way comforting. If you ever want to talk or just need encouragement I would be happy to be listen and just be there for you. I am praying for a miracle in your womb and believing for a family. “Hope Anchors the Soul” Hebrews 6:19
Thank you for this article. This is so beautifully written and hits very close to home. You will never know how much this truly touched me, but thank you. I pray you receive your baby soon ❤
Wow, Thank you so much Sandi. I am so glad my story and experience touched you heart. I know many of us walking through infertility has experienced so many moments like this and they are unbearable at times. We are a support system for each other and God is so faithful. I am praying for you too:)
Thank you so much for this!!! Your words are those that I have felt and not been able to express!!! Thank you for sharing this with those of us that need this!!!
Aww Thank you Shawna. I know this journey is so hard and everyone works through the emotions and feelings so differently. I am so glad that my blog was a helpful too. May God bless you abundantly with a family:) I will keep you in my prayers.
Wow, thank you so much for this post. I too struggle with infertility and have never read anything that so accurately describes the physical and emotional pain of infertility in the light of the spiritual call to have hope and trust God in all circumstances. I know the depth of grief you write about and the redeeming feeling found in choosing to trust and have hope in God in the midst of the pain. Bless you for sharing this, I feel as if it’s God speaking to my heart. Xo
Aww thank you so much! I am so blessed that you were touched by this. I am so sorry that you too struggle with infertility. I think it is one of the most difficult experiences a woman can walk through. God is so good and knows the desires of our hearts. I know I don’t understand infertility, but I do understand His plan for our lives are far greater than our own. May God make your womb fruitful and may have you hope as you walk this journey. I am praying for you. And am so blessed by your heart. Thank you xoxo
Wow…this is what I feel lately after 6 years of marriage and my age not as young as I wanted to start to have baby ( late 30’s). I kept telling my husband that I almost lost of hope but my husband keep me grounded to have faith that God is in control. I still trying to figure it out what is God plans in our marriage regarding of parenthood life. Thank you for sharing and I pray that God will bless you with baby soon !!
Wow-Thank you so much for sharing you heart. It is such a blessing that you are married to a man of such faith! God is always in control and see’s the whole the story. I will be praying for you- and that you too, will be blessed with a beautiful baby soon!! Stay strong and always hope. Sending love.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can relate. I too am struggling with infertility. While I have faith that He will give me my heart’s desire, this disease sometimes gets the best of me & my disappointment consumes me. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this struggle. I love the verse from Jeremiah “For I know the plans I have for you..”. I just have to remind myself of that. Thanks again for sharing your story & faith with us. Good luck on your journey!
Stacy, Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Like you said, it is nice to know you are not alone in this journey. Not everyone can truly understand the pain that infertility causes and knowing there is someone who understands can be comforting.. I know there are truly some unbearable days on this journey… and having faith can be hard, but like you said I have to remember what God says and the Truth. He hasn’t forgotten us:)!!! I am praying for you and believing for a baby soon:) God bless.
So I read this post and found myself going back and reading through pretty much all of your posts. My heart resonated with everything you said and I found encouragement I haven’t been able to see or feel for quite a while. Thank you for sharing your journey. It’s amazing what simply knowing you aren’t the only one thinking & feeling a certain way can do. I think one of the worst things about infertility is feeling isolated and alone. My friends try to point me to God in the midst of this suffering, but sometimes it is drowned out by my sin of jealousy of their children running around or quite literally drowned out by their children running around. 🙂 I didn’t realize how forgotten I felt by the Lord until I read the words above, “He hasn’t forgotten YOU.” So encouraged by your faithfulness and honesty during your season of infertility! I will be praying for you and your husband as you continue to seek to trust in God, our refuge & our fortress!
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2
Amanda, Thank you so much for sharing your heart and authenticity. I can certainly relate to what you were saying, as well. I couldn’t agree more-while I wouldn’t want anyone to suffer through infertility, it is also so comforting to know that there are other people out there who actually understand the pain infertility can bring to your heart. I have certainly been where you are…and have truly struggled at gatherings or just hang outs when kids are everywhere-literally. In those moments, advice is sometimes hard to take in.. but the truth is God hasn’t forgotten us. And is with us through each step of this journey. And His plans for us are perfection (even when it is hard to see). Thank you for the encouragement and prayers. I will also be praying for you and believing for a fruitful womb:) God is faithful-He knows our hearts and desires. And I LOVE that verse. thank you xoxo
Oh hun infertility is so hard. I questioned so much why I had to go through everything I did all the time. I can honestly say prayer works so much. I prayed all the time and had family praying as well. He hasn’t forgotten you, some people just get pregnant without even thinking about it, but others have a different path. I tried for over two years to get pregnant with my second child. It was horrible, knowing my body could do it, but had stopped working. I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy. You will be in my prayers. One day you will be surrounded by children and this part will be a distant memory. Until that day, know that God has a plan and we have to trust in him.
aww you are right. Infertility is SO HARD. Thank you so much for the love and encouragement. Some people do just get pregnant. My husband is always amazed about how hard it actually is to get pregnant and that some people manage to pull it off without even trying. It took me some time before I could really accept that my journey is different and I know one day, when I am holding my babies in my arms, I wouldn’t trade my story for anything different. Gosh, I cannot imagine what you must have felt knowing your body could do it, but stopped working… I am so sorry you had to go through that! But you hit the nail on the head—prayer prayer prayer!!! I believe prayer and the support of my family has been a huge source of strength through this season… I look forward to looking back on this with kids and it being a distant memory… Thank you so much for you outpour of love, honesty, and encouragement. I am blessed by your heart!
Your words describe so accurately what so many of us feel. I have now had seven miscarriages and each time God filled my womb I would pray to Him (beg Him in fact) not to take that baby from me. After the seventh miscarriage we turned to IVF. I prayed that each round would work yet they didn’t. Five days before Christmas – when my husband and I were completely done trying – I realized my period was late and I felt off. A home pregnancy let me know that He had not forgotten me. I am now 29 weeks pregnant with the miracle He gave me. Trust in Him and in His time His will shall be done. I am keeping you in prayer. ❤
I literally got the chills all over my body when I read this!!! WOW WOW WOW!!! Congratulations!!! I will be praying for your little one growing inside you—what a miracle and truly amazing story. I am sorry you had to face seven miscarriages… i can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you. My heart rejoices in your story. Thank you for sharing it with me…so encouraging. Thank you for your prayers!!!
Thank You so much for this post. It’s like reading my exact feelings. My husband and I have been on this infertility journey as well, for 2.5 years. It’s so hard and sadly I struggle with my faith during this time because although I know our God is all too wonderful, it’s an awful feeling to feel ” forgotten”. Your post brings renewed faith that we aren’t forgotten, our miracles just aren’t ready for us yet. I pray that you are blessed with your miracle really soon. 🙂
Hi Jenn, I am glad you were encouraged by my post. Writing has been so therapeutic for me through this walk… I completely understand what you are saying. That forgotten feeling is truly one of the worst feelings I have ever experienced… and it doesn’t help in this already difficult journey. I am sorry, you too, are struggling with infertility. It is so hard!! Keep your eyes fixed on the Lord and know that Hope anchors the soul (Hebrews 6:19). God has not forgotten us and in His perfect timing we will have a family. I will also be praying for you–may your little miracle come very soon. Be strong and know you are not alone. All my love, hugs, and prayers your way!!!
I love this. I too have walked the road of infertility for 5 years and I feel this way often. What a great reminder of His love! Thank you for sharing! Ps- My husband is the youth pastor at our church and we love our “kids.” =)
I am so glad you could be encouraged by my post Jessica:) It is a difficult journey and we have to remember that His love surpasses all our understanding…I will be praying for you:) I know the feeling of loving your “kids” from church. I know God has used our rule in Youth to bless my heart in more ways than I probably even realize… May God bless you. All my love and prayers xo
Thank you so much for these words. I am struggling with this as well and have been for 3 years now. Everything I feel are described right here. You sometimes feel alone in this, as if no one around you is going through it. It helps to know that you are not the only one struggling in this unfair journey of infertility. We have to stand together and know that God will bring us out of this and make us stronger women and better mothers, as we fought a good fight waiting for our reward. Thank you again!
Wow- I am so encouraged by your words! “God will bring us out of this and make us stronger women and better mothers.” I completely agree with what you said. I remember when my husband and I first started trying…we kept it a secret for about a year from nearly everyone. It was SO HARD for me. I couldn’t bare anymore questions: “When are you going to start trying?” and while working through the the physical and emotional feelings of my diagnosis and infertility I felt incredibly alone. I think in this journey it is so important to have a strong support system and for us to realize that there are other people out there who truly understand our deepest pain. This can be comforting. I am glad my post could be an encouragement for you too. Always hope. Sending prayers for a little miracle babe your way. All my love xxoo
God bless you! I just sat here & cried reading this. I just found out I’m pregnant after IVF & it’s still surreal to me. God is so good, all the time. I am thankful for the journey to get here… I wouldn’t change a thing. A few months ago I was in the same pain you describe here. God hears every prayer!
Wow!!! Congratulations!!! That is so so so encouraging. and so exciting:) God is so good!!! Thank you so much for sharing this wonderful news with me!!!
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I can totally relate to the emotional roller coaster that you have so accurately described. My husband is my rock, too. We are 4 years into this seemingly never ending journey as I approach 40. We were blessed with a daughter (6 years old next month) who keeps telling us (when we save the clothes and toys she’s outgrown) that we’ll save it for the next baby. I read a few blogs back that you suffer from PCOS. I have secondary unexplained infertility. They can’t figure it out. I have found a lot of information from http://www.naturalfertilityinfo.com that has helped me in my journey. I got tired of the harsh drugs from the fertility clinic and decided to go all natural as I believe God has made many wonderful herbs, etc for us to use. I pray that you will find some helpful info on your condition even if you don’t use their products and pray you will find your arms full very soon.
Hi Tiffany, thank you so much for sharing your heart. I am so sorry that you, too, are struggling with infertility. It is such a difficult journey… I am praying for you and that God would bring you your little miracle baby soon… Stay strong and always hope:) Thank you for the information. I just briefly looked at the website. My naturopath/chiro actually got me on a couple of the herbs they recommend for PCOS. Kinda got me excited haha I’m looking forward to reading more later. Thank you for sharing. And I am happy to hear you found something that works for you. I appreciate the input very much:) May you blessed abundantly soon! All my love, hugs, and prayers your way xoxoxo
Thank you so much for posting this story!!! I was literally in this same dark place yesterday evening. I was broken down and in tears as I wondered the same thing… have I been forgotten and when will I be blessed with a baby. You are right, and I have never experienced such a low, low. I think that support of our loved ones go so far and you have made me realize that relying on God and my faith will help me through this great struggle!!! Thank you so much and good luck to you and all of us who are struggling with infertility ❤ I needed to read this today!
Aww Becca,I am truly so touched that my entry came in the perfect timing for your heart. I know this journey is so difficult. Somedays are just unbearable… It is so important to have the support of loved ones–and even each other:) Sometimes just knowing someone understands your pain in this infertility season can be very comforting. And God is so faithful. He knows our hearts. Always hope… Hope anchors the Soul (Hebrews 6:19)–It is one of my favorite verses and has helped me stay grounded in the promises I know God has for me and my family. God has not forgotten you and knows your desires. I am praying for you. All my love and hugs.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I can also relate to what you’re going through. As I sit here and type this message, I am having symptoms that my period is about to come on. I thought that this could be the month, but I guess not. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 4 years. Being on this journey does feel very lonely, but on this journey I’ve found out that more people are going through this than I realized. I think one of the hardest things about being on this journey is not knowing when it’s going to end. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster every month. I suffer with depression, jealousy and anxiety. I know that God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. The words that God spoke to you are what I needed to hear right now to keep me going. I’ve had times when I’ve felt like I didn’t want to live anymore. I know this may seem extreme to some people, but I’m just being honest. Dealing with infertility and other issues for the last 4 years have really brought me to that point. I know that God continues to speak to us through people, songs, etc. I pray that God will make your womb fruitful and that your story will continue to encourage other people.
Laura, I am so sorry that you, too, have been on this very difficult and sometimes unbearable journey. As I shared in my blog, infertility can bring you to a low of all lows. I understand your heartbreak and how it has brought you to the place you are in.
This is a song called “You Make Me Brave” : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hi-VMxT6fc. It is a beautiful song. There are some lyrics about half way through the song: “You make me brave. You make me brave. No fear can hinder now the promises you have made.” This translates in my heart to this: No infertility, no unknown outcome of this journey, Nothing- can hinder now the Promises-of a family, a baby, a fruitful womb that you have made to me. This journey calls for bravery and courage. It is not easy… but know that you are not alone. If you are ever want to talk know that I would be happy to connect. I am praying for you and believing for a very fruitful womb for you very soon. God is Hope. and “Hope anchors the soul.” Hebrew 6:19. All my love, his, and prayers your way!