“Have you forgotten me, Lord?!” I cried out in desperation for an answer.
I sat alone on my office floor. The sun beamed through the window onto my skin. My entire being was flooded with sadness. I wondered “How long will my womb be empty God?” Before I knew it, a wave of anguish was suffocating my heart. I was furious with My Creator. My heart was drowning in a gloom of exasperation. I felt like a tornado had come plunging through the roots of my heart stealing my foundation of hope. I could feel my heart racing as I could barely catch a breath in between my cries. I was most certainly in a state of grief. “Will I ever be a Mother?” I asked the Lord.
I was tired-tired of hoping, waiting, believing, and praying…all I wanted was to hold my babies in my arms and for this unbearable walk of infertility to be over. “Have you forgotten me God?” I demanded. I felt a lot like Hannah, as she too, waited upon the Lord to fill her womb. “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life.” 1 Samuel 1:11. I could relate to Hannah’s heartbreak and prayers. That morning, I could literally feel the physical pain of my infertile womb filling my heart in deep grief and depression. I felt abandoned and forgotten by the One who placed the desire of Motherhood in me in the first place. I needed God’s comfort, His love, His Peace, and His Truth. I needed to know He hadn’t forgotten me. But all I could hear in the midst my disparity that morning was silence. I was consumed with profound misery and was afflicted by my barren womb. I couldn’t seem to compose myself. My hands were clammy and I could feel my body temperature rising from my overwhelming sense of loss. I kept thinking “how could my all-knowing, all-powerful God forget me?” It seemed as though nothing could fix my grieving heart. My infertility issues felt like a thick brick wall that kept getting taller and there was no way to the other side. Like any trial in your life, infertility can bring an array of emotions that can cause you to experience a low of all lows. And it truly takes a lot of faith to get out of that pit. That day I experienced my lowest of all lows and I was in a pit of abandonment. I was barely clinching to the Truth and the promises God has for me.
That night we headed to our usual Wednesday night youth service. I did not want to go. I was not in a place to greet my students with a smile and let love shine through me, but I went anyways. I felt fearful that someone would be able see through my eyes of devastation and that I might burst into tears at any given moment. I stood in the center of the altar with my head barracated into my chest as we began to worship. At first I said nothing. My anger towards the Lord encompassed the roots of my heart. I knew I needed to praise my way through these moments, but it took time before I could even say anything. Finally, tears flowing down my cheeks, I began to whisper the lyrics of song:
“When I don’t understand, I will choose You. When I don’t understand, I will choose You. When I don’t understand, I will choose to love You God.”
I don’t understand why infertility is my path to parenthood or why God simply hasn’t healed my ovaries. However, no matter how long it takes for me to be a Mother, I will always choose God. As I declared in a whisper these words over myself, suddenly I could feel the Lord’s peace in the atmosphere. Despite my grief, I knew God knew the depths of my aching heart that day and the burning desire in me to have a baby. As I remained in a place of worship, a friend who serves as a Youth Leader with Ryan and I, came and put her arms around me. I felt comforted by my Creator through her as she embraced me in her arms. And then she simply whispered a few words that would speak volumes over my heart in this journey to parenthood.
“God gave me a word for you. He says He hasn’t forgotten YOU!”
I was completely taking back and shocked by these words. He hasn’t forgotten me!
No one knew the depths of my heartache that day…But God did. My friend held me in her arms as I wept and wept. Little did she know several hours earlier my circumstance was clouding my heart with the question: “Have you forgotten me, Lord?” That day I realized that even in my darkest hours, God still hasn’t forgotten me. “I will not forget you. I have inscribed you on the palm of my hands; your walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:15-16. Sometimes in the midst of our deepest pain it is easy to believe that God has forgotten us. The truth is that’s a lie. Hannah, too, felt forgotten by the Lord… but she still chose God and “The Lord remembered her. In due time, Hannah conceived and bore a son.” 1 Samuel 1:19. God remembered Hannah and gave her the desire of her heart; to be a Mother. He made her womb fruitful and she bore a total of three sons and two daughters. Hannah’s story is a beautiful testimony of God’s faithfulness and how she thrived on hope through her journey. I know there are some days on this walk where my infertility pit seems so deep that I can’t seem to see the light, but the God I love and serve is so faithful and He sees my whole story. No matter how dark the tunnel seems, there is always light, and I will always choose Him. God knows the desire in me to be a Mother resides so deeply within my heart. He has grace for me on my difficult days and understands my heartbreak. I am riding an anchor of Hope believing in God’s Promises of a family because I know He has not forgotten me.