“Who wants to get pregnant?”
At first when we heard these words at our evening church service, from a Bethel Pastor, Chris Gore, I wasn’t sure if stepping out in front of the entire congregation was a good idea, but then all of the sudden something about declaring one of my greatest desires in front of our whole church body birthed something special in me.
“Who wants to get pregnant?” Chris said it again.
I nudged Ryan, “We should raise our hands.”
Slowly Ryan slipped his hand into the air. The second I saw Ryan step out in faith, I immediately threw my hands in the air and shouted with excitement “We want to have a baby!!!!”
This was the first time Ryan and I openly shared with many people, some who we have been friends with for years and some we have never met, declaring that we wanted to have a baby. Chris Gore invited us to the front of the altar. I was so giddy and kind of nervous, as I couldn’t believe we were actually standing in front of our church family openly expressing our desires to be parents. For myself, it was a moment I needed, as at this time we had been walking our infertility journey in secret for over a year. I hated carrying the burden that my womb was empty and I felt alone in the midst of our trials. However, this moment was especially huge for Ryan, as for some time he wanted to keep our journey exclusively between us because that way when we finally fell pregnant it would be a huge surprise to our family and friends. However, as the months went by and we continued to face the unbearable single pink line, we knew our story would be much different than what we had hoped for. The truth was that we needed the support and prayers of the people in our lives to see us through this daunting season. I can honestly say when we finally came to a vulnerable place and exposed the rawness and truth of what were facing, our lives were changed and it has allowed us to cope with the feelings that accompany this journey much better. In addition, there is something special about coming together as body of Christ and believing for a miracle.
Chris continued… “How many kids would you like to have?”
When we first embarked on this walk to parenthood, we thought it would be simple, two kids-3-4 years apart. However, as time continued to pass where my womb remained barren, we came to a place where we weren’t sure how many children I would actually be able bring into this world. Ultimately, we came to a place where we knew we had to trust the Lord, however it played out.
Finally, after bantering back and forth, Ryan and I agreed in front of the congregation “We want twins. A boy. And a girl.” We have always talked about having twins and what a neat experience it would be, especially since we are both twins. Chris Gore and our church family blessed us and we continued on with the service.
After the service, a man came over to Ryan and I. I had never seen him before and he had two kids about 6 years old standing in front of him. He looked deep into my eyes and said a few simple words:
“Hi! These are my boy-girl twins, and they would like to pray for you.”
Instantly, my heart was ignited with love, as tears rolled down my cheeks. Children, specifically boy-girl twins, wanted to pray for me?!? It amazes me that God had the entire night orchestrated from the very beginning. It was not by chance that we went to the evening service that night or that Chris Gore asked “Who wants to get pregnant?” God knew how He would use the hearts of 6 year old boy-girl twins to breathe faith, hope, and love into my heart that night. The twins laid their little hands on my womb, as if they had done it a million times before. They began to pray, declare, and believe for God’s fulfillment of a fruitful womb of not just one baby, but two babies. Everything happened so fast. I was so overwhelmed with peace, joy, and love. I couldn’t believe that this special moment was actually mine and I was embracing every second of it because God was doing a new work of faith in me.
“God, thank you for giving Desiree and Ryan boy-girl twins!” They believed and thanked the Lord for a work already completed. They lifted up my womb to the Lord and believed in God’s almighty power and the fact that He is more than capable of making a barren womb incredibly fruitful. They even followed their Father in prayer, as he declared over me the specifics of how God makes boy-girl twins in the womb. I can honestly say that this moment was one of the most impacting moments of my entire journey to parenthood.
I often think of the twins as my faith angels because through them the Lord birthed something fresh in my heart that allowed me to believe in God’s matchless power of healing and miracles in a new way. God used the hearts of two believing boy-girl twins to teach me childlike faith. When they laid their hands on my womb they believed with faith that He would give me exactly as my heart desired without even questioning the infirmities that surround my womb. It didn’t matter to them what the doctors had told me or that the odds seemed against me; they still believed that God was capable of giving me just as we asked for.
I have always believed in God’s power to heal, as well as God’s ability to miraculously move amongst His people. I have seen signs and wonders right before my eyes. I have always had faith that God would bring healing to the sick and provide supernatural finances for those who needed it. I have prayed and laid my own hands on friends, family, as well as people I don’t even know who are struggling with overwhelming circumstances, needing God’s touch- only to see a miracle unfold right before my very own eyes. However, when faced with my own realities of the physical realm and the sickness in my body, did I actually believe that God would heal me? Would He really be able to give me a baby despite the diagnosis and countless negative pregnancy tests? Would He miraculously pour fruit into my womb?
Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
Even in the mist of my despair, I have always chosen faith. I have always believed God would give us a baby. Truthfully, some days are just harder than others. Similar to any other couple facing infertility, often it is hard to be strong, hopeful and to believe that God has not forgotten me or the desires He placed in me. It’s a constant struggle to know that His timing is complete perfection; To have peace when my body isn’t functioning the way it was designed to; To find joy in one of the most heart-wrenching experiences of my life; To be brave when I walk into a fertility clinic. And lastly, to trust that His plans are far greater than mine.
However, as hard as these moments are and as often as I come face to face with these feelings, I know God has given me the tools I need to walk through my journey with faith knowing that He always prevails. I know He gave me experiences like the one I described above to breathe a fresh breath of faith into my heart and create an incredible amount of support and love as we fight through our walk of infertility. It is through faith, that I have hope. Perhaps, Ryan and I will be parents of twins one day, but this moment was merely about faith and making a declaration over the desires of our hearts to walk together as a community believing for a miracle of a fruitful womb and parenthood. Faith is being sure that God knows my desires and the hopes of Motherhood, as well as being certain that even though my body is in a fight to become pregnant. God will bring us a family.