It was a typical Tuesday morning. I was busy editing and catching up on work emails, when I stumbled upon these words:
“Do you truly believe that God put a desire in your heart to be pregnant, or to be a parent?”
As I read these words, I could feel the anxiety stirring within me. So many thoughts ran through my mind… I was not prepared for how the topic of adoption was presented to me and it caused me to feel an array of emotions.
If I am being true to my heart and authentic in expressing the rawness of my feelings through this process, then I must admit that when I truly examined the question I was asked, I recognized that when Ryan and I started our journey to parenthood, deciding that we wanted to become parents, we didn’t ask God how He desired that to happen; nonetheless, my heart was drowning in so many thoughts. I tried to work through these words displayed in front of me and the feelings associated with them in a healthy way, but I had a hard time receiving them the way I now see them.
Though the intentions of these words came from a place of love and were never meant to cause any harm to my heart, what was written and what I heard were two different things:
What was written: “I don’t know if God calls people to be pregnant, but I can definitely see him calling people to be parents.”
What I heard: “God doesn’t call people do be pregnant, and since you can’t get pregnant, you should just adopt.”
It is clear to me that these words were originally written from a place of pure genuineness, and truly came from a place of love. I only wish on that day that I was able to receive them in this way. The truth is adoption is a very sensitive subject, especially for someone walking through infertility. In my opinion, this type of conversation needs to come from the right person with a lot of heart and thought taken into consideration. Without a gentle and loving perspective, it can be hard to approach the topic. On that particular day, it was the way adoption was presented to me that caused me to feel like it was a simple solution to my infertility problem. I felt burdened by the fact that my body fights to reject pregnancy. I felt selfish and guilty for desiring a biological child. Often these words of advice only create heartache in someone who is walking this journey and can sound more like a “fix it” solution, rather than an opportunity to become parents. Unfortunately, there is an out-pour of emotions that come with a barren womb, and sometimes when face to face with the question, “Why not adopt?,” it can only create a whole new cluster of unwanted emotions.
For myself, it has taken several adoption statements and questions for me to truly learn how I feel about adoption and how to respond to these questions in a loving way. It is through God’s grace and how He has molded my heart through this difficult season that I have been able to see the hearts of these people and their true intentions, as they only grieve my unborn child alongside me and truly desire to see my family grow. By making the suggestion or simply asking “Would you ever consider adoption?” is merely their way of showing me that there are other opportunities to become a parent.
I understand that it is only in human nature to want to solve the problem of infertility. However, adoption is not a cure to infertility. It is sometimes an answer, and ultimately gives you the end result of building a family. The fact that adoption is something that each couple seeking a family can take into consideration and decide if it is the right journey for them is absolutely wonderful.
However, adoption is not for everyone and truthfully, there is a special calling on those who choose those steps to parenthood.
I am not opposed to adoption by any means. I believe when it comes to this kind of decision every couple needs to search their hearts and decide for themselves if adoption is an avenue they would like to take toward parenthood. Honestly, if it came to the point where we felt the Lord was calling us to be parents through adoption, I know I would be able to bring a child into my home that I did not give birth to and call him or her my son or daughter, giving them everything in me as a Mother. And perhaps, one day, adoption will be our journey, but for now, it is not our calling.
For me, when I think about being a Mother, I think about the whole process. I think about the feelings we will have when we read two pink lines on that pregnancy test and the fact that, a baby will actually be growing inside me. I think about my baby’s first kick. I think about giving birth and what an incredible moment it will be. I think about the joy that will cover my heart when I am holding my newborn miracle babies in my arms for the first time. I wonder will they have striking blue eyes, humor, and smarts like Ryan or long brown hair and pure creativity like me. I think about a child that is made up of many qualities of both Ryan and I. And I believe that one day the Lord will fulfill these desires.
My purpose of this blog is to truly express the rawness and authenticity of my journey of infertility and the many different emotions and experiences that accompany the walk… I hope my heart is well received, as those are always my intentions.
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