A Blanket of Hope

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P    C    O    S

I have never despised 4 letters so much.  My blood work appointments became a reoccurring experience as I was tested on so many things. I was poked and prodded for months and was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), hypothyroid, and low progesterone. Talk about being overwhelmed!  Day after day, as my body continued to NOT function the way God designed it and in every tear I shed I CONTINUED to believe God was bigger and more than capable of pouring a miracle into my womb, regardless of any tests results…but honestly, sometimes this is hard to do.

It isn’t that I don’t think I will ever be a Mother or one day actually fall pregnant and be able to carry and bring our child into this world, it is just that

                                                                           this journey sucks

and is sometimes unbearable.

There was this one day several months into our journey when I sat weeping on the floor in our office, which has become a place I often go to to be alone and cry out to the Lord in my most broken moments.  I sat with my back up against our chase, wet tears coming down my cheeks, my body was so warm and sweaty as the facts of my situation flooded my heart.  I wept and wept….  Ryan had arrived home from work and my cries must have been so loud because I didn’t even hear him come in.  He, of course, immediately came into the office.  His bright beautiful blues stared deeply into mine.  Instantly he came beside me and put his arms around me…. At first he said nothing.

Then he whispered gently into my ear, “Honey, we are going to have a baby.”

And I knew that…I always have… but this is not the path I would have chosen and sometimes I don’t know how to cope with the emotions that accompany this journey.

The amazing thing about our story is that God knew from the beginning the kind of man I would need to help see this season through. Ryan is a man of such hope and faith and he has been my strongest source of strength each day of this trial. “We are going to pray and declare.”  I remember I looked at him dumbfounded thinking, “That’s what I have been doing.”  Looking back I really wasn’t, there is a difference between knowing the authority you carry as a believer and pursuing it whole-heartedly.

“No, we are going to do this right now,” Ryan said as he put his hands on my cheeks and glared into the root of my soul… To be honest, I think I wanted to sulk in my sorrows, but I knew that wouldn’t do me any good.

“Thank you, Lord, for our baby. Thank you Lord for our babies.”  Ryan laid his hands on my womb and believed in the HOPE of God’s desires of parenthood and our future family.  His faithful heart overflowed into mine in that moment and I knew that making these declarations while thanking the Lord would birth strength and hope into me, which was exactly what I needed, especially in the midst of that dark and lonely day.  We sat on our office floor together making declarations over my womb and our children believing in God’s faithfulness and truth, knowing HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN the desire He so graciously placed in both of our hearts. At first, I wept and slurred my words like a drunk girl as barrels of tears rolled down my cheeks, but then through my mumbled words and the chaos that was racing through my mind,  I could feel the overwhelming strength of God covering my heart. I began to make declarations of Hope and Family in our lives, which began to create an atmosphere that rose against the winds of the darkness that day.

“Lord, I declare the infirmities in my body that are preventing us from conceiving to be removed in the name of Jesus– I thank you for the miracle babies that you will be bringing into my family. I declare Hope over my heart right now.”

We declared every part of my body to come into alignment. We spoke authority over my womb and thanked the Lord for the babies He is creating for us to love and care for as parents.  We declared pregnancy. We declared healing. We did this because we know our identity in Christ and the power that we carry  through the Holy Spirit, who lives on this inside of us.  We know God is more than capable of making the impossible possible regardless of what we see in the physical realm.  “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27.  There is power in our words and power in declaration. By speaking the Truth out loud and believing and truly knowing what is is rightfully ours because of what Jesus paid for on the cross at Calvary, it creates a blanket of hope and brings Heaven to Earth.

I know there is a huge window of uncertainty staring me blank in the face, but I know God knows what the outcome is here, and I trust in His plans and His perfect timing, however that looks and as hard as it can be.  In this season in my life, I can only see my small little puzzle piece, but God see’s it all: my whole story and how each piece matters.  I know He is is faithful!  I know His timing is better than mine, even though I don’t understand why this walk is mine and why I am not a mother yet.  I know He will always see me through my most difficult, broken, and lonely moments. I know that I have learned through this very heart wrenching walk the power of declaring and the atmosphere it creates.  I know His word does NOT return void.  I know that it is through my faith alone that God has given me the tools I need and placed all the right people in my life to believe in His Promises with me as I daily wrap myself in His blanket of Hope.

To read earlier entries, click here:

https://ourjourneytoparenthoodblog.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/the-unbearable-single-pink-line/

https://ourjourneytoparenthoodblog.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/how-the-seed-of-motherhood-was-planted/

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9 thoughts on “A Blanket of Hope

  1. This was very powerful, I can relate to these feelings so much. I’m sorry that this journey has been so hard for the both of you it definitely sucks! It seems easy for us to want to sulk in our sorrows, I always reach that point once a month. I so admire your faith in God it is truly beautiful. Keeping you in my prayers.

    • Desiree,
      Thank you for your love and prayers…
      I’m sorry that you have had similar feelings…it can be so hard! and you are right, sometimes it is way easier to sulk!!! and honestly sometimes I let myself. I have learned to have grace for my hard days, but try my best to not let me sit in my sadness for long because it truly does nothing for my heart… Keep your eyes on the Lord and know that He is faithful. My hope is for people like you and me (and even others struggling in other journeys of their lives) that ultimately through our difficult walk we will fall more in love with the Lord and that He will take us to deeper places as we patiently wait for a fruitful womb and family to care for! Praying for you my beautiful girl! I know we have never met, but I am believing great things for you and that God will fulfill your desires of motherhood soon!! Please keep me posted. and Keep up the hope–it anchors the soul (Hebrews 6:19)!!! xo

  2. Hi, my name is Dominique I met you at my cousin Stephanie’s wedding. I just wanted to say that your hope and trust in God is so inspirational and refreshing. Trust in God and follow him and he will bless you. If it is his will he will bless you with fertility in the same way he blessed Sarah and Abraham. Trust in him and don’t let your trust fade. Have you ever thought about writing a book? You are such an amazing writer I think your struggles and your faith would be so relatable and inspiring for so many woman going through the same thing you are and who may not have such a caring husband or the strength to keep pressing on. I think your story would be a blessing to so many. Pray about it. Please continue writing because even though I’m 17 and not trying to get pregnant or dealing with not being able to, your level of faith is so inspiring. Thank you for being awesome and following God!
    Love,
    Dominique

    P.S. I would love to email back and forth with you I could some encouragement regarding my faith in God. I would also love to be an encouragement to you! (:

    • My beautiful Dominique! Of course I remember you!!! How could I forget…you have a sparkle to your personality!!!
      Thank you so much for you love and hope you are showering over my heart. I always think of Sarah and Abraham…they waited years and God finally blessed them…His timing you know… My hope is to obviously not wait too long, but I know He is in control here and of course, I only desire His timing. And I believe He placed the desire for parents in my hubby and I for a reason:)
      It is funny that you mention writing a book. I have read a few books on women who went through a similar journey and several blogs and I think God is birthing something in me as I feel strongly that He is using me through one of my most difficult and heart aching experiences to reach His people and bring hope, love, and faith! I will continue to pray about it!
      I so appreciate your heart. I would LOVE to shower each other in encouragement!!! Send me an email: desfortin@gmail.com Lets start connecting!!! All my love to you sweet girl! May you be covered in His love today xoxoxo

      • First off I wanted to say sorry for what you are going though. I have only read up to here, but I’m going to read it all. I am so intrigued with your blog! I absolutely love it! I have a question though, were you diagnosed with pcos, hypothyroidism, and low progesterone with one test (meaning they took a bunch of blood once and did 15 different test on it)… I am asking because I had my daughter (shes 7 now) at 21, then 3 miscarriages all at 6 weeks (did blood work up and nothing wrong with me), then had my son (hes 2 now) all healthy and perfect, then had another miscarriage at 6 weeks in June. After that The Doctor “tested” me for all sorts of things and said all my workup came back perfectly fine. Its so frustrating, you kind of want the doctors to say oh this is why you are miscarrying! And they were 2 different doctors who did blood work, should I get a 3rd opinion or do something else??

      • Jillian,
        It is so good to hear from you. it has been forever!!!
        I am so happy to hear you are touched by my blog…it has been such an outlet for me to share our story.
        I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriages… I can only imagine how difficult that must be. I am sending love and prayers your way.
        I was not diagnosed all at once. I was first diagnosed with hypothyroid and it took several months and lots of blood work before we found a medication and the right dose for my body. I had lots of blood work done and several tests. Progesterone can be found in bloodwork and I also showed signs of low progesterone with my cycles and the spotting I experienced for days leading up to my periods (whenever i would actually get one). A year and a half ago, My Doctor (OBGYN) tested for PCOS, which is typically a vaginal ultrasound. She told me everything looked great. I was surprised by this first because I have several typical signs of PCOS and two because Danielle was diagnosed with PCOS in college. Not to mention before I got married my doctor then told me I had borderline PCOS and it would likely get worse. It was very frustrating. When we finally went to our fertility clinic, in our very first ultrasound our doctor said “you have classic PCOS ovaries.” I, of course, was not surprised. I think a fertility clinic is WAY MORE precise in their testing and they are specialist so they know what they are looking for. If you are set on having a baby… I would consider seeking a fertility specialist. They may be able to give you answers and find specifically why this is happening. Sometimes that can’t find what is causing it but i believe they could give you more answers especially considering that is what they specialize in… I am praying for you…If you ever want to talk let me know!! xxo LOVE YOU

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  5. I know its been FOREVER!!! Miss you all more than you know!!!

    Wow, that is a lot! It must be hard. But I did read all of your stories and CONGRATS on your little snow flakes!!! Must be so exciting! Cant wait to read more about your journey! I am definitely going to get 2nd (well 3rd) opinions on all of this, I just cant see that “nothing” is causing this!! Thank you for the advice and I will message you on FB so we can catch up. Love you girly! xoxo

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