P C O S
I have never despised 4 letters so much. My blood work appointments became a reoccurring experience as I was tested on so many things. I was poked and prodded for months and was finally diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), hypothyroid, and low progesterone. Talk about being overwhelmed! Day after day, as my body continued to NOT function the way God designed it and in every tear I shed I CONTINUED to believe God was bigger and more than capable of pouring a miracle into my womb, regardless of any tests results…but honestly, sometimes this is hard to do.
It isn’t that I don’t think I will ever be a Mother or one day actually fall pregnant and be able to carry and bring our child into this world, it is just that
this journey sucks
and is sometimes unbearable.
There was this one day several months into our journey when I sat weeping on the floor in our office, which has become a place I often go to to be alone and cry out to the Lord in my most broken moments. I sat with my back up against our chase, wet tears coming down my cheeks, my body was so warm and sweaty as the facts of my situation flooded my heart. I wept and wept…. Ryan had arrived home from work and my cries must have been so loud because I didn’t even hear him come in. He, of course, immediately came into the office. His bright beautiful blues stared deeply into mine. Instantly he came beside me and put his arms around me…. At first he said nothing.
Then he whispered gently into my ear, “Honey, we are going to have a baby.”
And I knew that…I always have… but this is not the path I would have chosen and sometimes I don’t know how to cope with the emotions that accompany this journey.
The amazing thing about our story is that God knew from the beginning the kind of man I would need to help see this season through. Ryan is a man of such hope and faith and he has been my strongest source of strength each day of this trial. “We are going to pray and declare.” I remember I looked at him dumbfounded thinking, “That’s what I have been doing.” Looking back I really wasn’t, there is a difference between knowing the authority you carry as a believer and pursuing it whole-heartedly.
“No, we are going to do this right now,” Ryan said as he put his hands on my cheeks and glared into the root of my soul… To be honest, I think I wanted to sulk in my sorrows, but I knew that wouldn’t do me any good.
“Thank you, Lord, for our baby. Thank you Lord for our babies.” Ryan laid his hands on my womb and believed in the HOPE of God’s desires of parenthood and our future family. His faithful heart overflowed into mine in that moment and I knew that making these declarations while thanking the Lord would birth strength and hope into me, which was exactly what I needed, especially in the midst of that dark and lonely day. We sat on our office floor together making declarations over my womb and our children believing in God’s faithfulness and truth, knowing HE HAS NOT FORGOTTEN the desire He so graciously placed in both of our hearts. At first, I wept and slurred my words like a drunk girl as barrels of tears rolled down my cheeks, but then through my mumbled words and the chaos that was racing through my mind, I could feel the overwhelming strength of God covering my heart. I began to make declarations of Hope and Family in our lives, which began to create an atmosphere that rose against the winds of the darkness that day.
“Lord, I declare the infirmities in my body that are preventing us from conceiving to be removed in the name of Jesus– I thank you for the miracle babies that you will be bringing into my family. I declare Hope over my heart right now.”
We declared every part of my body to come into alignment. We spoke authority over my womb and thanked the Lord for the babies He is creating for us to love and care for as parents. We declared pregnancy. We declared healing. We did this because we know our identity in Christ and the power that we carry through the Holy Spirit, who lives on this inside of us. We know God is more than capable of making the impossible possible regardless of what we see in the physical realm. “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” Luke 18:27. There is power in our words and power in declaration. By speaking the Truth out loud and believing and truly knowing what is is rightfully ours because of what Jesus paid for on the cross at Calvary, it creates a blanket of hope and brings Heaven to Earth.
I know there is a huge window of uncertainty staring me blank in the face, but I know God knows what the outcome is here, and I trust in His plans and His perfect timing, however that looks and as hard as it can be. In this season in my life, I can only see my small little puzzle piece, but God see’s it all: my whole story and how each piece matters. I know He is is faithful! I know His timing is better than mine, even though I don’t understand why this walk is mine and why I am not a mother yet. I know He will always see me through my most difficult, broken, and lonely moments. I know that I have learned through this very heart wrenching walk the power of declaring and the atmosphere it creates. I know His word does NOT return void. I know that it is through my faith alone that God has given me the tools I need and placed all the right people in my life to believe in His Promises with me as I daily wrap myself in His blanket of Hope.
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