I was “late.” I was the kind of “late” I had been hoping for! I could not believe it was already happening. We had only been off the pill for a couple months and I was already late. This, of course, is one of the most obvious signs of pregnancy. How would we tell our families? What about our friends? I went form 0-100 in a hot second, dreaming about the growth in my womb and the idea of becoming parents. After all, I was four days late, and I was already experiencing the major sign my body needed to show signs of a baby growing inside of me.
That evening, We had dinner plans with some dear friends in downtown La Jolla underneath the fall sky. My fingers were so clammy as I locked hands with Ryan while we waited for our Italian meal. All I could think about during dinner was how I was “late” and that perhaps, there was a baby growing inside of me.
After dinner, we ran into the local grocery store. We took 5 minutes trying to decide which pregnancy test to buy. Do we buy the somewhat cheap Kroger brand or go for First Response? Was one more accurate? If I knew what our journey would have looked like back then, I would have told myself to go to Dollar Tree or to wait until I have completely missed a period and am vomiting in a toilet before even considering an at home pregnancy test.
The whole way home we wondered if our lives were about to change…or not. The following morning, I follwed the instructions of my first test and stuck it on the counter as I waited for two lines to show up. I waited and waited. 3 minutes felt like 3 hours. Then I waited 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Every minute, hoping something would change and somehow a second dark pink line would magically appear. However, to my utter disappointment, no matter how long I waited, there was only going to be one bold pink line staring back at us. Ryan and I sat together in silence staring at this test for what felt like forever. Disappointment overwhelmed my heart. Immediately, I was swallowed in sadness. The moment you learn you are not pregnant, when you really thought you were, can be a pretty heart breaking moment. I have thought I have been pregnant so many times now, that I often wonder if I will even know when I am actually pregnant.
I know it might have been silly for us to think we would fall pregnant this fast, but I was convinced the Lord would bring us a baby quickly, especially because of the supernatural desire He placed in my heart for motherhood. However, once again, through this experience and the many similar experiences I have had with that single pink line, God continues to teach me to live by HIS PLANS and His plans alone….
“Don’t worry honey, next month will be better,” Ryan gently whispered into my ear as he held me in his arms and breathed the LOVE of the Father into my heart.
I, too, was hopeful. It had really only been a couple months since we had been trying. I mean, usually, it takes time for your body to get off the pill. I was SURE the following month would be better. However, little did we know, I would be “late” one too many times and this would be the first of countless negative pregnancy tests that would only result in broken promises and disappointment as we faced the unbearable single pink line over and over again.
For months, my body was so out of whack physically, and honestly, continues to be a work in progress. I had suspected I may have something called PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) being that when I was in college my identical twin sister was diagnosed with PCOS, but again, I never really thought it would be an issue for me. Tears streaming down my cheeks as I sat in silence in my car after doctors appointments, hoping and praying for something to change. Weeping every time my period came, wondering if it would ever be normal. Grieving my unborn child, as it seemed like everyone around me was getting pregnant, except for me. As the days and months passed, I knew it was just a matter of time before I was officially diagnosed with PCOS.
When we first started trying, like most women, I never actually thought there would be a moment where I sat directly across from my doctor as she glared into my eyes and told me how difficult it may be for us to get pregnant. The unfortunate thing with some doctors is that they are so matter of fact while answering the question: why am I not getting pregnant? Sometimes they speak to me as if my situation is hopeless… But they don’t know the God I serve and love, and who has already gone before me fighting my battles. The truth is that no matter how many single pink lines I have faced, I know what God says about me and I know that He has not abandoned my heart or the desires He placed there. Weeks before we started trying for a baby I was given this verse:
I am about to set your stones in antimony, and lay your foundations in sapphires, I will make your pinnacles of rubies, your gates of jewels, all your wall of precious stones. All of your children shall be taught by the Lord and great shall be the prosperity of your children. Isaiah 54: 11-13
I know that this has been a challenging journey for me, but I know God is preparing my heart, my body, my mind, and my marriage for motherhood. I know I don’t understand His timing or why this is my journey, as I know I would have never chosen to walk this walk to parenthood, but I know God is faithful and He hasn’t forgotten me or the little ones He is bringing into my family one day.
More to come…
To read how Our Journey to Parenthood began, go to this link: