Our Journey to Parenthood
How the seed of Motherhood was planted…
It was a sunny day and I glared into my husband’s eyes as he poured into my heart the deep intimacy He experienced with the Lord at The Jesus Culture Conference in LA two summers ago. This was a moment I will never forget. The hot afternoon sun beamed through our windows as we sat lingering on our couch. I never knew this moment would mark the beginning of one of the greatest desires in me. Prior to this moment, I had THOUGHT about being a Mom and knew whenever God was ready for that time in our lives He would plant the seed of Motherhood in my heart. I knew I would grow deeply in love with being a Mother once I would carry that role in my life, but until then, I was more than happy with just the two of us. During this season in our marriage, we had just celebrated our third wedding Anniversary and I was loving our married life!! The adventures God was taking us on were so exciting and spontaneous. As my husband began to share his heart, I was not nearly expecting the words I was about to hear: “During one of the worship sessions as Jesus Culture, God showed me a vision.” Many thoughts ran through my mind as I anticipated what his vision was. What I expected to hear was that he had experienced some kind of breakthrough in his own walk in life, or perhaps, he saw angels or spoke in tongues…However, sometimes God reveals Himself to us in the most unexpected and unpredictable ways…
“In my vision, you were pushing our baby girl in a stroller.”
“So I feel like God was trying to show me that it is time for us to start trying…”
Hold on now!! I know I said I believed God would plant a seed of Motherhood in me, but I wasn’t ready for this NOW! I doubted this intimate experience Ryan shared with our Lord and was not even willing to see it as true because at the time the thought of trying to have a baby couldn’t have been farther from my heart (so I thought). Furthermore, I couldn’t even get passed the thought of child bearing. And to be honest, I think I always thought that God would reveal His timing to me first when it came for us to start trying to have a baby; however, as I said, sometimes God speaks to us in the most unexpected and unpredictable ways. I love my God and I would do anything for Him. If what Ryan had seen and heard was actually what God desired for our lives, perhaps, I would have surrendered my womb to Him, no questions asked. However, the truth is I was happy living our married lifestyle without the responsibility of a child. Without even realizing it, I was really placing my desires before His–I thought what I had planned for us seemed so much better than God’s plan. Considering my doubts, I made an ultimatum with the Lord, “God, if this really is your desire for us, then let me experience that same kind of intimacy Ryan shared with you in a dream or vision, or have someone pray or prophecy over me about being pregnant.” It was wrong that I would question my husband’s intimate moments with the Lord, but sadly and humbly, I admit that I did. It was hardly a couple days after praying this prayer, that I found myself in complete awe of what God was revealing to me.
We had just finished sushi with some friends from our church and they asked if they could pray for us. We were in the middle of the parking lot on a gorgeous summer night. I squeezed my husband’s hand tightly as they prayed for job opportunities in the teaching world for my husband. Immediately following the prayer, my friend, turns to me and says “I have to tell you what God just showed me.” It didn’t even cross my mind, that God would reveal His desires for me to be a Mother through someone (even though I asked Him to). She continued…
“you were pregnant, and about to have your baby.”
I was so shocked and in complete disbelief in that moment. I sat in the car gripping Ryan’s hand, tears glowing in my eyes, as the ultimatum I made was just between me and the Lord and all I could think was “Wow.” It was in that very moment that God did a new work in me. I completely surrendered my womb to the Lord trusting and knowing that His desires and His timing for Motherhood are far greater than mine. His timing is profoundly perfect! This was a supernatural desire placed in me that day and as time has gone on, I have only longed for Motherhood more and more. It couldn’t have been more clear to me what the Father was showing me that day as our friends prayed over us–God planted the seed of Motherhood in me and that seed has resinated into my soul. I have never desired something so much.
Initially, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to expose the roots of my heart of this long and heartbreaking journey we have been through just yet because currently I am not a mother, I am not pregnant, and I am not holding my miracle babies, nor do I know when precisely they will come. However, I know I am not the only woman out there awaiting the special gift of motherhood. Of course, when we first started this journey and because of how the Lord planted this seed so quickly in my heart, I thought we would have already had a baby by now, but little did we know, this journey to parenthood would be much longer than we expected… There would be countless hours of weeping before the Lord in sadness, confusion, and disappointment. There would be moments of showering friend after friend with joy as they became pregnant,wondering if I would ever get to rejoice like them, or would I only experience the endless broken promises through one too many negative pregnancy tests. I honestly never thought I would still be sitting here today awaiting upon the Lord’s fulfillment for this desire of Motherhood that burns so deeply within my heart. However, I know how faithful God is and I know that even though my body is physically a work in progress, there will be a day when I will get to rejoice in motherhood and I know our story will impact other women and couples who faced the same excruciating walk of infertility. And on that day when I am holding my darling babies in my arms, however many God chooses to give us, every broken moment and the wait to Motherhood will have been worth it.